Episode 27
My Dad, the Autoerotic ‘Expert’ (and Other Things I Can’t Unhear)
So, picture this: I’m having lunch with my dad, we’re mid-bite, chatting about David Carradine, and out of nowhere he says, “You don’t usually die that way.”
My dad’s a psychiatrist, by the way — which somehow makes that line both better and worse.
That comment sent me down a totally unexpected rabbit hole into his past life as a medical researcher… and, apparently, a minor expert on autoerotic asphyxiation. Yeah. My childhood suddenly made a lot more sense.
Stuff that helps you become awesome even if you're different: https://stan.store/elletwo
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Timestamped summary (use the chapters if you're on Apple Podcasts)
00:00 "Different, Not Broken Podcast"
05:00 "70s Study on Fatal Act"
07:34 Psychiatrists and Strange Stories
12:28 Navigating Awkward Social Transitions
13:15 Interjecting in Conversations Respectfully
16:50 "Celebrating Progress and Growth"
Mentioned in this episode:
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Transcript
He died from autoerotic asphyxiation. And for my dad to say, huh,
Speaker:you don't usually die that way. And I was like, at what
Speaker:time you were considered
Speaker:an academic expert on
Speaker:autoerotic asphyxiation?
Speaker:To which he said, I mean, it would have been all
Speaker:sexual perversions. Now, that's what they called them at the time. We do not
Speaker:call them that now. So anyway, that's how I learned that
Speaker:my dad. Dad was a secondhand
Speaker:expert on autoerotic asphyxiation and other
Speaker:things that I need to never imagine my dad doing. All
Speaker:right, here we go. I'm going to pretend I'm pushing record, because that feels right.
Speaker:Okay, I'm pressing record. Boop. Hi,
Speaker:everybody. I'm Lauren Howard. I go by L2. Yes,
Speaker:you can call me L2. Everybody does. It's a long story. It's actually not that
Speaker:long a story, but we'll save it for another time. Welcome to Different
Speaker:Not Broken, which is our podcast on exactly that.
Speaker:That there are a lot of people in this world walking around feeling broken, and
Speaker:the reality is you're just different, and that's fine.
Speaker:No, well, actually, I was gonna say nobody was harmed in the making of the
Speaker:story, but that's not actually true. I don't remember how
Speaker:we got on the subject. I know we were sitting at lunch one day at
Speaker:our office. I feel like
Speaker:somebody maybe said, ladies can do stuff
Speaker:now, which is obviously a
Speaker:line that Danny Trejo. Obviously, everybody knows this, right? A line
Speaker:that Danny Trejo says in Anchorman, which is one of my
Speaker:favorite movies in the whole world. Funny enough, my dad,
Speaker:who I usually had the same sense of humor as, hated Anchorman.
Speaker:He hated it. He was like, it's the stupidest movie I've ever seen. And I
Speaker:was like, yes, that's the point. I
Speaker:think somebody said, ladies can do stuff now. To which I
Speaker:said I was trying to remember who the actor was.
Speaker:And I said, I always get Danny Trejo
Speaker:confused with David Carradine. Why?
Speaker:I don't know. There is almost nothing similar about those two
Speaker:individuals, but this was not that long after
Speaker:David Carradine had died. And
Speaker:also, I could never remember the name David Carradine.
Speaker:So I just called him Kung Fu Fighting, because
Speaker:as far as I was concerned, that was his name. So
Speaker:I said, man, I always get him confused with Kung Fu Fighting.
Speaker:And my brother said, oh, David Carradine. And then
Speaker:he made, like, the face, like, yeesh, because he had
Speaker:recently passed away of an
Speaker:autoerotic asphyxiation mishap. Was my
Speaker:understanding. Now, these are not things that we ever would have had a
Speaker:problem talking about in front of my dad. We talked about everything in front of
Speaker:him. He was a psychiatrist. Nothing phased him. It was fine. There were no rules.
Speaker:He basically asked, like, why didn't you guys both make that face at the mention
Speaker:of David Carradine? And we said, well, he died recently. And he goes, oh, that's
Speaker:it? And I was like, well, he died.
Speaker:It is suspected that he died during autoerotic asphyxiation.
Speaker:Which, when you say to your dad, you
Speaker:maybe think that they're going to be like, oh. Or
Speaker:blush or be like, let's not talk about that. Not that
Speaker:I would have expected that from my dad, but I just. I expected the
Speaker:reaction to be like, let's retreat from this conversation because we're eating lunch.
Speaker:What I didn't expect to get from that
Speaker:conversation was for me to say, well, he died from autoerotic asphyxiation.
Speaker:And for my dad to say, huh, you don't usually die that way.
Speaker:That pause that is nowhere near the length of the
Speaker:pause. All head snapped toward him
Speaker:and went, sorry, I'm gonna need
Speaker:more context. Excuse me.
Speaker:To which he explains that your body
Speaker:has a mechanism basically so that you don't
Speaker:choke and die when you are voluntarily choking
Speaker:yourself, and that it is very rare to
Speaker:die during that act, even during sex.
Speaker:Oh, okay. And I was really scared to ask this next
Speaker:question because this could go so many ways. He was
Speaker:42 when he got married for the first time. There was plenty of time for
Speaker:weird shit. Not that that's weird, if that's what makes you happy.
Speaker:But it's weird when it's your dad. Even when your dad is my dad. I
Speaker:think he, like, read the room and was like, I should probably explain more about
Speaker:what's happening. He's like, no, I actually. I think he went
Speaker:to say, like, I actually have experience in this. And then he, like, spout himself
Speaker:and was like, wait. Wait.
Speaker:And he goes, published a paper on this. In the
Speaker:70s, there was a gentleman who filmed
Speaker:himself at the time in the middle of that act,
Speaker:who died while doing it. That he was studied
Speaker:because, one, it wasn't supposed to happen, and two, it meant that there was a.
Speaker:Like a brain mechanism that wasn't working correctly. And. And so I had a friend
Speaker:who was a pathologist and I was the psychiatrist, and we did a joint
Speaker:paper together on it and presented it at conferences,
Speaker:to which I said, please, there's a guy
Speaker:who made amateur pornography you
Speaker:somehow found the video, watched it,
Speaker:and took it to academic conferences. To which
Speaker:he said, straight faced, I not only
Speaker:watched it, I edited it. Now, mind you, this was in
Speaker:the 70s, when editing video meant
Speaker:physically looking at strips of film
Speaker:that he had to physically chomp
Speaker:and then reconnect so that he could
Speaker:present this along with his paper. I
Speaker:was just. I was mind blown. I could not. I was, I. I was.
Speaker:I'm very rarely speechless, even today. I mean, this was like 15 years ago. I'm
Speaker:still kind of speechless. I'm like, you did. You did what with who? You
Speaker:did what with your best friend. That's strange.
Speaker:So this leads me to say, how many conferences did you
Speaker:take this to? And he goes, it was late 70s. It maybe. It probably was
Speaker:a lot. He was like, we traveled the conference circuit for it with it for
Speaker:like a year. And so it was a lot. And I was like,
Speaker:at what time you were considered an
Speaker:academic expert on
Speaker:autoerotic asphyxiation? To which he
Speaker:said, well, I mean, it would have been all sexual
Speaker:perversions. Now that's what they called them at the time. We do not call
Speaker:them that now. So I was like, so again,
Speaker:I want to clarify. You at one point
Speaker:were considered like the nation's
Speaker:expert on, quote, unquote, sexual
Speaker:perversions, to which he was just like, yeah, and
Speaker:went back to eating a salad. And I just. To this day, it's one
Speaker:of my favorite stories to tell because I still think it's hilarious and I can't
Speaker:tell it without absolutely losing it. I also need to be
Speaker:clear. Every psychiatrist is like that. There is not a
Speaker:psychiatrist out there who is not a little bit batshit. And they
Speaker:have stories that the rest of us are like, what?
Speaker:And it's just normal to them because they deal with this all the time.
Speaker:So anyway, that's how I learned that
Speaker:my dad was a secondhand
Speaker:expert on autoerotic asphyxiation
Speaker:and other things that I need to never imagine my dad
Speaker:doing. And the exhale of
Speaker:relief that came out of my mouth when I
Speaker:found out it was only because of his job
Speaker:and that I wasn't about to get a story that I was gonna have to
Speaker:bleach out of my mind's eye. I think I
Speaker:started first thinking, like, what if we make a
Speaker:tarot deck of. I don't, I don't remember. It was something,
Speaker:like, very timely. And then the more of them that popped into my head, the
Speaker:more that I was like, okay, what if this is the. Like, no one could
Speaker:have predicted this deck? Well, the first one that I asked
Speaker:for was a card for Sofa Lothario,
Speaker:which is just J.D. vance. And that
Speaker:one took a little bit of time to get to, but I was like, oh,
Speaker:this is amazing. I tried to make one for Little Lord
Speaker:Fuckalon, which, this is new because I've used it
Speaker:twice before. Wants to make a picture of
Speaker:Trump as Angela Bassett walking away from the burning car.
Speaker:Except the burning car was a cyber truck and it let
Speaker:me do that. And then another time to make
Speaker:a picture of Donald Trump as Fanny brice
Speaker:saying, Dear Mr. Arnstein, for the day of his
Speaker:parade that was about to get rained out because don't rain on my parade,
Speaker:obviously. So those are the only two times I'd ever used this before. Uh, so
Speaker:it kept saying I wasn't allowed to make basically mean stuff
Speaker:about real people. So I had to trick it into doing it, which I did
Speaker:a couple times. But it would not make little Lloyd fuck along. It would not.
Speaker:So I ended up with Dime Store Tony Stark, because it
Speaker:would not let me make Temu Tony Stark, which I
Speaker:tried. And it's a guy, I think he's in
Speaker:a suit. Cause it wouldn't let me put him in a stupid hoodie, but he's
Speaker:in a suit with a bunch of characterized Shiba Inu's behind him.
Speaker:And the tarot decorations are all hidden rocket ships.
Speaker:It's the things we never could have predicted deck. Supposedly, to make
Speaker:a full tarot deck, you need like 76 cards or something. I don't actually
Speaker:know anything about tarot. I just was like, this would be hilarious if it was
Speaker:a tarot deck. And I think I have like 30 so far.
Speaker:And they're very funny. Like, even I laugh. Like, I forget because you have
Speaker:to make so many bad ones before it finally spits out one that's usable. So
Speaker:then when I see the ones ones that I picked that were like, okay, this
Speaker:is usable, they're hilarious because I'm like, oh, I forgot about this. And
Speaker:like, I just do it. Like I'll be in a meeting and I'll just like
Speaker:tell it. Like, make me a card that says. And like, nobody
Speaker:knows that I'm making counterculture tarot cards while
Speaker:we're making important decisions. So that's the thing. I'm not doing it right now,
Speaker:but I could be. Then I was scrolling Instagram and I saw
Speaker:somebody that explained how to make like a drop ship T shirt site on
Speaker:Etsy. And it occurred to me that like, if I only make A
Speaker:dollar per shirt, but I don't have to do anything for it.
Speaker:That's fine. I set up a West Wing themed T shirt
Speaker:shop on Etsy and made a bunch of shirt designs.
Speaker:And I've always wanted to do this, but I've never been able to design
Speaker:them. And now I have a way to design them. And I guess you have
Speaker:like a 15 day window where you can't advertise yet on Etsy, so I have
Speaker:to wait. But in the time that it's been up, which is only like two
Speaker:days, I've already gotten like 12 site views and a bunch of favorites on
Speaker:my shirts. So I feel very accomplished.
Speaker:They're all like deep, deep West Wing jokes
Speaker:that like, if you don't know the like actual show
Speaker:inside and out, you will not get them at all. And
Speaker:actually some of them aren't even really like jokes about the show. They're jokes about
Speaker:jokes about the show. Like things that people say about the show that you have
Speaker:to be a giant nerd to know. And I am in
Speaker:fact a giant nerd.
Speaker:And now we'll go to Alison, who has this week's
Speaker:small talk. Okay, so our question today
Speaker:is. I've always wondered when the right time
Speaker:to enter a conversation is. It's something I've
Speaker:struggled with my whole life. Any ideas are
Speaker:appreciated. That's a really good question. And also something
Speaker:that I'm not sure that I've mastered. But I only say that because I don't
Speaker:know that anybody has. Depends on the type of conversation. It depends
Speaker:on if people know that you're hanging out. It depends on how personal
Speaker:it is. Part of what sounds right to me
Speaker:is accepting that this is going to be an awkward
Speaker:transition. I'm the type of awkward person that if I know something's going to be
Speaker:awkward, I just draw attention to how awkward it is, which usually deflates the
Speaker:situation and like, makes people feel more okay with it,
Speaker:like better with the transition. So like, if there was a conversation that
Speaker:I wanted to pipe in on and
Speaker:people were standing near me talking and I jumped in, which I don't usually
Speaker:do because you people. But I would probably be like, okay,
Speaker:so this is super awkward, but. And then just jump in there and
Speaker:add what I'm thinking. And that actually is probably a really
Speaker:strong transition. Now if you're talking about a professional conversation
Speaker:and people know that you're there, they're just not
Speaker:really including you. Like they're, they're going back and forth. You could say something
Speaker:like, can I just pipe in here because I think there's something you're not
Speaker:considering. But if there's a right time, that's
Speaker:hard to say without knowing what the other individuals are talking
Speaker:about. And the reason I say that is if they're having, like, a private, personal
Speaker:conversation, there probably isn't a right time. Unless you're going
Speaker:to draw attention to the fact that you are maybe overstepping a
Speaker:boundary there. Like, if somebody's having a private personal conversation, you happen
Speaker:to overhear it and you realize that they're making a giant mistake, or this
Speaker:is something you have deep experience with and you really want to help,
Speaker:you can make the choice that you are going to interject
Speaker:and then just say, so sorry, I don't know that this is any of my
Speaker:business, but this is my background and I would love. If you're okay with it,
Speaker:I would love to share these things. And then they may just invite you in.
Speaker:But there's also a world where they're having a private personal conversation
Speaker:and you're not supposed to jump in, and that's okay, too, because that's their conversation.
Speaker:I think if you're in, like, a room full of people
Speaker:and there are two people who are dominating the conversation and you have something to
Speaker:add and you're expected to participate, then you can jump in at almost any time.
Speaker:And there are ways that, you know, don't interrupt anybody,
Speaker:don't talk over anybody unless they're being rude to you, in which
Speaker:case, go for it. But wait for a brief
Speaker:pause. If you're like me, you have to, like, repeat the thing that you want
Speaker:to say over and over because it will fly away as soon as you stop.
Speaker:So that's a thing. But just wait for a brief pause and then say,
Speaker:just so I can pipe in here. Or also, I wanted to add, all of
Speaker:that is fine. I think maybe the point is
Speaker:trying to not make it awkward when it has the potential to be awkward
Speaker:anyway, just prolongs the awkwardness and probably makes you
Speaker:more anxious. Like, if you just address that up front, like, I'm piping in here
Speaker:and you maybe didn't ask my opinion, it's probably way simpler than it feels.
Speaker:Just like, imagine like, you're driving along and everything's fine, and then you
Speaker:almost miss your turn and you have to veer off really quickly. But then you
Speaker:stabilize once you're on the turn and now you're moving in the right direction.
Speaker:That's kind of what you're doing. And, like, there are times when that is
Speaker:disastrous. But nine times out of 10, it's fine. It's just a little
Speaker:uncomfortable while you're making the turn. And so that's kind of what you're doing.
Speaker:Can I guarantee that everybody is going to have, you know, a
Speaker:great response and welcome you in? Not really, because who knows
Speaker:what they're thinking. But if it's something that you are comfortable interjecting
Speaker:in, if it's a conversation that you are welcomed into, if it's a conversation that
Speaker:you think you can find a place in, if it's a conversation that
Speaker:affects you or that you have some interest in
Speaker:and you want to make sure that you're heard in
Speaker:that it is perfectly acceptable to jump in. And
Speaker:my trick, whether this is right or wrong, my trick is if it's gonna be
Speaker:awkward, like, immediately make it awkward. Let them know that this is awkward. You're
Speaker:recognizing that. Soften the blow and then jump in with what you need, and
Speaker:then you can bounce out whenever that's appropriate. Thanks for being here, guys.
Speaker:Have a good day. Love you, Mina.
Speaker:Okay, so this is interesting. You're actually on the main health
Speaker:chart, right?
Speaker:I was only checking the mental health charts.
Speaker:I'm on the health and seven on the health and wellness
Speaker:charts. On the very front chart.
Speaker:Holy. Now that is something to celebrate because that basically means
Speaker:you've gone through the mental health bit and you've
Speaker:qualified for. Actually, this is such a big show in that chart.
Speaker:It's gonna surface to the main chart. Now, those that. Wait,
Speaker:where you just said in hell. If I search healthcare. So if you go into
Speaker:the health. So if you go into the homepage of Apple Podcasts.
Speaker:Yeah. Go to charts and then you select health.
Speaker:Top shows health and fitness. That's where we are. Oh, top
Speaker:charts. There we go. Yes. Okay. Yeah. So the health
Speaker:and fitness main chart. Top shows health and fitness. Got it.
Speaker:Holy. It's 167. Yeah.
Speaker:That is pretty huge. That For a
Speaker:long time with anybody, to be honest. That's holy.
