Episode 46

What my body remembered that my brain tried to forget

Published on: 11th March, 2026

In this episode which is sponsored by our wonderful partners at Inflow I'm sharing an update from a couple of weeks ago when my mom was sick and I called an ambulance. She was going to be fine. I knew she was going to be fine. I was calm. I was functional. I was on the phone with my business partner — who is also an ER doctor, which I have decided is a mandatory qualification for that role — while flagging down the paramedics from the front porch.

And then I walked outside and completely fell apart.

Not because I was scared for her. Because that was the same porch. The same hallway. The same room I'd stood in nine and a half years ago when I called an ambulance for my dad — and he did not come home.

My brain knew it was 2026. My body had not received that information.

This episode is about the part of grief nobody prepares you for — not the raw early days, but the decade-later ambush that catches you completely off guard on a random Tuesday night with zero warning and zero time to put the armor on. It's also about how two things can be absolutely true at once: you can be fully mid-trauma response and still be making sarcastic remarks at the paramedics. I did both. Simultaneously. I regret nothing.

Alison brings a question from Andrew in Eugene, Oregon: "I'm starting to wonder how much of my personality is just coping strategies stacked on top of each other. Is there a real me underneath that, or is that the wrong question entirely?" Andrew, I've been thinking about this all week.

And I sit down with Lauren Yerkes, founder of Post Swim, who built a swimwear brand from her own breast cancer diagnosis at 37 — because she wanted to feel like herself again in a bathing suit, and that thing did not exist yet. Lauren's take on coverage vs. hiding is one of the most nuanced things I've heard in a long time.

"My brain knew it was 2026. My nervous system had entirely different information. Grief is a Mack truck with no warning label and no timeline."

Post Swim: postswim.com | @postswimofficial

Again, please do check out our episode sponsors Inflow at http://getinflow.io/notbroken

They're helping us bring episodes like this one to your ears.

Mentioned in this episode:

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Transcript
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When you're dealing with grief and trauma, the brain breaks things apart until

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they're boring. I'm starting to wonder

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how much of my personality is just coping strategies stacked

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on top of each other. I am a Southern

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California native, and so, you know, live by the beach, travel to

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Hawaii often, and I wanted something that

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covered the things I wasn't yet ready to show the world.

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All right, here we go. I'm gonna pretend I'm pushing record because that feels right.

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Okay, I'm pressing record. Boop! Hi

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everybody, I'm Lauren Howard. Welcome to Different

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Not Broken, which is our podcast on exactly that—

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that there are a lot of people in this world walking around feeling broken, and

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the reality is you're just different, and that's fine. I've talked about this a

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little bit, I've referenced this a little bit, but a couple weeks ago my mom

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was in the hospital. She's fine now. Mostly it, we, we

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honestly still don't know what it was. She just got like very acutely ill one

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day and we let her wait it out at home for a while at

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the instruction of her doctor really. And after

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several hours I contacted her cuz I was working the whole day. It

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turned out that she wasn't feeling any better and we really thought that she would

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be feeling better by then. So I went over to her house and kind of

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assessed the situation and I really couldn't move her. And so

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I called an ambulance and I, I felt kind of silly

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calling the ambulance because she was technically ambulatory. She

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was technically able to get up, but it was just me. You know, she had

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this horrible stomachache. The car was just far enough away

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that she was gonna have to go downstairs to get there. I wasn't sure I

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was gonna be able to get her across the street. It was like a whole

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thing. My husband couldn't come help me. There was nobody else around who could come

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help me 'cause my brothers weren't nearby. And so I was just like, I

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gotta call the ambulance. And so I called and

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they were great. And I really felt like we were kind of like, I don't

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wanna say misusing it 'cause we definitely needed it, but like, it wasn't the kind

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of emergency where we needed them to come resuscitate

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her. The dispatcher said, "Turn on the lights on

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the front porch. If she's safe to

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leave, go stand outside and flag them down so that they know what house it

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is. If she's not safe to leave, and you can leave the door

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open, do that. If not, you know, they'll figure it

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out. So I was kind of running back and forth between her

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and, uh, and I was also on the phone with John, my business partner, because

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he's an ER doc and he was kind of just walking me through like what

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to look for, you know, when to intervene

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more, more thoroughly, et cetera. I was calm. There

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was no problem. I was calm. I knew she was sick.

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Truly, at that point, I didn't know how sick she was. And I don't say

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that because things got so much

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worse. I just— she was talking, she was

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upright. I just physically couldn't move her. I couldn't

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do the transport. And so I needed help. Typically, when you're calling an

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ambulance for a family member, you're so panicked and scared. And that

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wasn't the case here. It just was what it was.

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And so they did get there and

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it was already dark out, so it wasn't exactly the same, but

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I saw, not through the window, but I must have gone up to the front

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of the house and I saw the ambulance lights on and I was like,

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okay, they're here. And so I left her where I could and just let her

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know, like, please don't move. I'm going to go flag them down. And so I

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went outside, they were already unloading, and I went to

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say, to explain what was happening to the guy that was standing there. And

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I like, nothing came out. I was like, it was just very,

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very strange. Everybody listening to this,

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if this is your first day, hi. I doubt it's your first day. Talking is

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not my problem. There are very few situations

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where I can't find something to say. It's like either my greatest skill or my

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worst trait is that like, it's very rare you throw me into a situation and

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I can't find a way to run my mouth. It's like my thing. But I'm

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standing on the porch and all of a sudden I'm just like, I couldn't get

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words to come out. And the guy looks at me and he says, are you

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okay? And I finally said like, yeah, I'm fine.

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And he asked where she was. And I said,

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she's in there in the bathroom. But I like genuinely felt paralyzed. I was like,

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I don't remember feeling scared. I wasn't, I

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truly, and I don't say this to be negative, I wasn't worried about my mom.

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I really genuinely felt like she was gonna be okay. It wasn't like I was

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worried that she was so sick that she wasn't gonna recover. I

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just needed help transporting her and I could not. And so it

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wasn't that. I'm standing there, the next guy walks up and

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he's the one who has to get all the information. I just, not an

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exaggeration, started sobbing, totally sobbing,

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couldn't turn it off, gulping

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for air. And again,

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this was not a crisis situation. I was trying to

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explain to him who she was, where she was, where she was. And I'm, like,

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gulping for air trying to get out. And he finally says to me, just like,

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take a second. It's okay.

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Walk me to where she is. So I walked them in there and there were

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a bunch of them and they were all very

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lighthearted and jovial, which in the situation we were in was

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appropriate. It was a way to keep the temperature down. It was a way

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to make sure that my mom knew she was in good hands. It was a

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way to make me know that they were, you know, that they were friendly and

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approachable and we could talk and I could tell them anything. It wasn't a tense

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situation at all. And I'm sobbing.

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We go to walk into the bedroom, and my mom's front

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door leads to a long hallway. There's rooms on either

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side, and if you go immediately to the right, that's her

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bedroom. And then you take the next open door to the right and

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that's her bathroom. And that's where I had her sat. But I

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realized that what was

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happening in that moment didn't matter.

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I was communicating with them, I was giving them the instructions, but I was not

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reacting to that morning

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in February of 2026.

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My body was there. My brain was somewhere else

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because I was standing in the spot

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where I called an ambulance for my dad

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9 and a half years ago. And I walked them

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down the same hallway

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to the same place.

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9 and a half years ago.

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And my confidence that my mother was

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going to be fine, and I truly, again, I

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was confident in that. I was not worried. I was worried that she was sick,

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but I wasn't worried that she was dying, had nothing

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to do with the reaction that I was having.

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As far as my nervous system was concerned,

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I was taking this crew of very, very similar,

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very lovely first responders, I should say, who were just as

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lovely then as they were this time, into

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a room

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the exact same room

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where my dad had

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waited long enough to make eye contact

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with me one more time before he died.

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And I knew my mother was coming back home.

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My dad did not come back home. And it

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didn't matter that intellectually

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I knew that I was standing here safe

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and taken care of in 2026, and that these

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nice people were going to haul my mother off to exactly where she

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needed to be, and that we would get her taken care of, and

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that she was going to be fine. It didn't matter

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because as far as my nervous system was concerned

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It was August 21st, 2016,

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and I am not a person who

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remembers every detail of a lot of different situations. I'm just not.

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I remember every single second

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between walking into my dad's bedroom as we knew that he was

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crashing and watching them take him away,

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praying it wasn't true but knowing I was never going to see him again.

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And I might as well have been watching myself

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walk into that room 10 years ago as I was walking

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in to get them to my mother again,

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intellectually repeating to myself over and over and over,

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everything's fine, this is fine. And I kept saying— I said this to the guy,

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I was like, I'm I'm so sorry. I— there's nothing wrong right now. I understand

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she's sick, but there's nothing wrong. I am literally having a

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reaction to something that happened 10 years ago in this room

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that I didn't realize was gonna happen until I walked out on that porch.

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And this very, very sweet first responder

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looked at me and shrugged and said, meh, I've seen weirder. And I was

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like, is that a challenge?

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It's been 10 years, 9 and a half years. It'll be 10 years in August.

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We have officially reached the point of this timeline where the year

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we're in has the same last number as the year he died.

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And I never thought it was possible to get this far out there. I never

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thought it was possible for this much time to pass. I never thought I would

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have this much, this many stories and this much life without him in it. It

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just never occurred to me that there was 10 years to live and

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even obviously more without him

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right there. It's not that I didn't know it was possible, 'cause there are lots

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of moments that are just a punch in the gut outta nowhere and just render

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me to tears. And I'm like, how could that, how could this just, this isn't

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new information. He doesn't keep dying. He did it one time. It was

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rude enough that one time, but it's not like he keeps dying. But

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like, this is not new information, but

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that is the mechanism of grief. And we have

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talked about this before, how the brain breaks things apart when

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you're dealing with grief and trauma. It breaks things apart until they're boring.

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And that is not a linear process, and it's not a process that happens

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quickly. And even 10 years later, it can still be

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happening. And so my brain,

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up until that night 2 weeks ago,

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had never thought about what it would be like—and why

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would it?—had never thought about what it would be like to be standing on

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that porch in that

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location with

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that experience and

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have such a similar thing happen.

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I had never deconstructed what it was like to have

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paramedics come on the porch again. I had never deconstructed

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the fact that the sound of the monitor

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that they put on him that showed he had no heart

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activity, I'd never processed the fact that that sound

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still lives in my head and I can hear it. And I'm not

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usually good at conjuring those things back up, but I can hear it at any

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time. I know what it sounds like. It is, like,

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deeply ingrained in my soul. And I

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had never broken that part down because I had never been in a situation to

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break that part down. So I got

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my mom to the hospital. I cried,

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and I stopped trying to stop. I think that was the difference. I

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stopped trying to stop. I am not the most unhinged person

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these paramedics have seen that day and I'm not getting in their way and I'm

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not causing them problems. So I'm just gonna cry and that's just gonna have to

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be okay with them. And it was, they were super cool about it. But I

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stopped trying to stop because my body wasn't ready to stop.

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I went through all of the steps. I got her out the

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door, I got her house locked up, I got her dog taken care of.

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I talked to her neighbor so that, you know, her neighbor asked if there was

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anything that we needed and I talked to him and I got his phone number.

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I got into my car, I drove to my house, I grabbed my stuff. I

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was sobbing the whole time. My body

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wasn't done yet. It was involuntary. There's nothing I can do about it.

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I sat in the car at the hospital until I

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felt like I had it back together, and then had it

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together for the entire time that I was at the hospital. Also,

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for the record, the doctor, when they ask you if

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your mother lives with you, you're supposedly not supposed

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to say, oh God, no. That's not the response they

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want. I don't know what response they do want, but that is not the response

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they want. She actually laughed. That was shocking. And then also, when

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they ask if you'll hold all of her jewelry, you are not supposed to say

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that yes because you can pawn it. Also

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not supposed to do. Oh, and then

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when your mother's liver studies come back over 11,000, which is

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like liver failure levels, except she's never had liver issues before, so that's very

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weird. And a month ago, her liver studies were fine. You are not

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supposed to look at her in front of the doctor and ask her— because when

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they say, like, this could be some kind of hepatitis, you are not supposed to

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look at her and ask her if she's using intravenous drugs again, because

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they will laugh. They will. But then when they wheel her out to

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CT, the very sweet but a

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little dense nurse will come to you and say,

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"I'm 99% sure you were joking, but I just need to clarify that

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she does not actually use intravenous drugs." And I was like, "She does not, no.

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In fact, I wish she would, but she does not." But I thought when I

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left that the episode would just be over.

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I was on— I was standing on that porch in my mind.

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For the 3 days that followed, easily.

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Because that is what grief is. And that's what

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trauma responses are. That's what my brain did.

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And I had no control over it. And I, I couldn't,

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even if I wanted to fight it, I couldn't have, but I wasn't going to

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because that was involuntary. That was out of my control.

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I am proof that you can both be

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mid-trauma response and also

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an asshole smartass, because it's like my thing.

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It's like a two-for-one that you get, like me sobbing and also

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making jokes about the fact that one of the paramedics

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said that the woman paramedic who was

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in charge, the— I guess the paramedic in charge, that he

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was joking with her and said that she was micromanaging him, and

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me, through sobs, said, "You probably deserve it."

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And he was like, "You're correct. I can still

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be an asshole." Which is— I don't know how to

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turn that off. But so two things can be true. But also,

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that is the reality, the deep, deep

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reality of grief and trauma that we— I don't think we talk about,

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which is that 10 years later, out

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of nowhere, it is a Mack truck that

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will run you over without explanation, or without

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anticipation, I guess. There's no time to

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protect yourself. There's no time to put up the guard. There's no time to

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send yourself the trigger warnings that you need

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to put up the armor. There wasn't time. And 10 years

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later, my brain is not healed, and I don't think it ever will be.

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I mean, it's not something that I want to happen. I don't want to walk

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around sobbing for 3 days, but sobbing kind of feels good when life's a dumpster

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fire and everything seems awful. It's just also

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not— you're not in control of it. And I will say

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that I feel awfully lucky to be 10

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years in and to have

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been so deeply connected with somebody

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that I could be rendered to tears on

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a porch on a random Tuesday night

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because he still hasn't come

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back. And that's rude. Very, very rude.

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And now we'll go to Allison, who has this week's

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Small Talk. We have a question from Andrew in

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Eugene, Oregon. "I'm starting to wonder how

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much of my personality is just coping strategies stacked on

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top of each other. Is there a real me underneath that, or is

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that the wrong question entirely?" I don't know that it's ever

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the wrong question. If it's a question you have, it's a question

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you have. I think maybe the inclination to second-guess

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yourself kind of like illuminates the problem

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altogether, right? It's that you're second-guessing you

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second-guessing yourself. So, like, that's meta

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and adorable. But it's really hard to figure

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out who you are without doing a whole lot of

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work. It takes time. It takes a whole lot

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of feeling things within your body and also, like, deciphering what is

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the right thing to feel. And that's a kind of a complicated way to say

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it, but like, you know, there are times when you're going to be presented with

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something that you either think you want to do or think you need to

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do. If you feel like you need to do it and you don't

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want to do it, you're gonna be presented with

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guilt or stress or frustration.

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Like, is that the valid emotion there? Because if it's something you don't have to

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do, something you've never had to do, but you're still trying to unravel from this

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pressure you've always been under to be someone else, or to be somebody who

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would do those kinds of things, what's the correct thing to feel

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there? And, and there's not a right answer to that at all,

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but it takes a little bit of time of

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being honest with yourself. And sometimes you're gonna do things

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just because it's what you've always done without realizing that

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that's not what you want to be doing or not things that fill you up.

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I mean, there's things that we all have to do that we don't want to

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do, like Nobody wants to go get their driver's license renewed, but we have to

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go do it anyway. Like, you're not gonna wake up one day and be like,

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"That is the thing I love doing, and I have just

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misunderstood my intention." It just takes time. And the

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real complication to that is not necessarily

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figuring out who you are now, which is, again, takes time and

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is a process and requires just you,

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you know, thinking through and trying things and testing things and seeing what

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you like and seeing what you don't like and seeing who you enjoy being around,

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and which might be no one, to be honest, and seeing

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who you don't enjoy being around and those people that you want to

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separate from. But

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the real kind of kicker to that is you're not the same person

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throughout your whole life. You're just not. This is going

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to shock people. This is gonna shock everybody listening. There was a

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time in my life when I was young and dumb that I really

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liked going to things.

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I liked being around people. I had a lot of friends,

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I think. I had a lot of people who tolerated me, at a minimum.

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I had— wait for

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this one. Wait for this one. I had a lot

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of shoes, and I wore them all the

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time, and I coordinated them to my outfits

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because I liked shoes that much. I enjoyed

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wearing shoes. That was me in my

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youth. I was a very smart

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kid, but also clearly dumb because I wore shoes all the

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time and I didn't need to. That was me 20 years

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ago. That is not me now.

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So maybe you are performing a version of

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yourself who you're not anymore because you've grown out of that. Maybe you need

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to take some time to just feel around and make

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note of what feels good and what doesn't and what feels like what you want

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to do and what doesn't to figure out who you are now. And maybe you

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also just need to give yourself space to realize that, like, you might be someone

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different in 5 years anyway. And so just, like,

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roll with it. But there are a lot of people who are

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so used to masking that they don't know who they actually are under that.

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And the only way to really figure that out is to try things, to see

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what feels comfortable, to see what you enjoy, to see what you don't enjoy,

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to figure out what lights you up, to note what things

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give you unmanageable dread, and go from

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there.

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We have a special guest today, guys. So excited to have her here.

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I want to introduce you to Lauren Yerkes, who's gonna tell us

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a little bit about her company that she runs.

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Um, it is an incredible accessible apparel company

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that is focused on very niche populations and

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people who have historically had a lot of trouble finding certain types of garments.

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So I wanted to give her a couple minutes to tell our audience about what

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she does, why she does it, how she got here. Um, so

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Lauren, thank you so much for being here. And also thanks for causing mass confusion

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among my staff because we do not know how to deal with two Laurens, which

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is fun. Mostly me going to respond to things that

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were not meant for me because I clearly have control issues. But I

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would love to hear a little bit more about your background and your company so

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that our, our listeners can learn a little bit more. Yeah, well, thank you for

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having me. I'm very honored and I've been around

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multiple Laurens too, so I totally understand where you're coming from.

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It's literally how I became L2, so it's not like I should be

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like averse to this, but it's been messing with my brain, so. I

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understand. Well, my name is Lauren and I'm the founder of

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Post Swim. Uh, Post Swim is a purpose-driven

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swimwear brand and it was born out of my

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own diagnosis with breast cancer. I was diagnosed at the age of 37,

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and I've spent years in the fashion industry. I

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saw all of this product all the time. Um, I was formerly

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the chief merchandising officer for Revolve, and so I was approving brands to go

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on the website on a regular basis. And after my own

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diagnosis and going through surgery and treatments, I really

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struggled to put a bathing suit back on. I am a Southern California

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native, and so you know, live by the beach, travel to Hawaii often,

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and I wanted something that covered the things I

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wasn't yet ready to show the world. And so we focus on

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coverage, and I always say that with a subtext, so

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to speak, because I always want people to know that it's not coverage to

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hide, it's coverage to empower women to share their story when

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they're ready, because it does take time after you've gone through something like this to

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feel comfortable to share and to expose the things that you're maybe still getting

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used to. And so that is our goal at Post

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Swim. And we design, you know, purely with intention. We

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design with coverage in mind. We design for comfort and confidence.

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All of our suits are different purposes. So there's

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minimal to maximum coverage. There are styles that are great for

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women who are flat after surgeries, great for women who use

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a prosthetic, and great for an woman who has had no

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surgeries. So it's really about thinking about

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the outcomes after a diagnosis or any surgery, a

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hysterectomy, you know, C-section, whatever it may be. The

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first time that you put on one of your own suits that actually

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made you feel confident enough to wear that suit, what was that

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like? Oh my gosh. I just remember standing in front of the mirror and I

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was like grinning from ear to ear. I was like so

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I felt so confident and really just comfortable.

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I had reconstructive surgery, and so I have this rippling effect

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that you can see anytime I bend over or move a certain way. And it—

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that was really made me self-conscious. And so our

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first suit from the first collection is called the Kim Top, and it's a square

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neck and it sits a little bit higher and it covered that for

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me. And so it felt like I was me again. I

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just wanted to feel normal and I felt like that swimsuit gave me that

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ability. How do you encourage people to find the balance

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between, you know, 'cause there, there are very strong messages about the, out there

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about how you shouldn't be ashamed. And that's obviously that's true.

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And those scars are how you survived to get here, et cetera. But

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also even if you're not ashamed of them and you shouldn't be ashamed of them,

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but even if you're not ashamed of them, they're so personal. A stranger who sees

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you have a giant scar might have questions and maybe you don't want to talk

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to them about that. How do you approach that with women who, or

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people who use your products who are still kind of navigating that journey

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and maybe just not sure how to handle it? Yeah, it's, it's

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really about finding that right suit. Not every

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suit can cover every scar. So it's really thinking about where are your

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scars and, you know, if you have multiple scars, which

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one is the most triggering for you. So for me,

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it was like a port scar was really like, anytime I see somebody with

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a port scar, I'm like, you had cancer. I know it because I have the

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same scar. And so it was, it's really trying to help the woman

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identify what is she most self-conscious about and

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finding a suit to help her to, you know,

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it's not cover, it's coverage, but it's not to hide. To your point,

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it's really to allow them to just feel normal again. You

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know, think back to life before cancer, and that's always what

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you compare to is what was life like before

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cancer? And now it's always, there's the before Lauren and then there's the

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after Lauren. And a lot of times women will tell me, I

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just, I want the old me back. And so I just

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try to build that and work with them to identify what that style is that

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fits their needs. Awesome. Lauren, where can

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people find your suits? Our website is

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postswim.com, and then you can follow us on social media

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at Post Swim Official. We're on Instagram, TikTok,

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Facebook, and X, Twitter, whatever it's called.

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Well, thank you so much for being here. I'm so glad we got to learn

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a little bit more about what you do. And, uh, everybody go check out her

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website and send it to your friends who might have a need. Thank you so

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much. Thanks for being here, guys. Have a good day. Love you. Mean it.

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While we're doing this, I'm gonna run to the bathroom. No bathroom

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breaks. I'll make sure to mute myself then. I did

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not sign off on that.

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About the Podcast

Different, Not Broken
You’ve spent your whole life feeling like something’s wrong with you. Here’s a radical thought: what if you’re not broken - just different?

Welcome to Different, Not Broken, the no-filter, emotionally intelligent, occasionally sweary podcast that challenges the idea that we all have to fit inside neat little boxes to be acceptable. Hosted by L2 (aka Lauren Howard), founder of LBee Health, this show dives into the real, raw and ridiculous sides of being neurodivergent, introverted, chronically underestimated - and still completely worthy.

Expect deeply honest conversations about identity, autism, ADHD, gender, work, grief, anxiety and everything in between.

There’ll be tears, dead dad jokes, side quests, and a whole lot of swearing.

Whether you're neurodivergent, neurotypical, or just human and tired of pretending to be someone you’re not, this space is for you.

Come for the chaos.
Stay for the catharsis.
Linger for the dead Dad jokes.