Episode 48
I Robbed My Mom and My 9-Year-Old (In That Order) and I Regret Nothing
My mom was in the hospital. ICU-level hospital. I knew she was going to be fine — but I also hadn't slept, and I was running on that specific kind of fuel that is equal parts functional and completely frayed.
I had a lot of feelings. I did not share most of them. Instead, I asked her the question that actually mattered: how charged is your phone?
This episode is about what happens when the people who raised us start needing us to show up — and how that experience is mostly logistical problem-solving interrupted by moments of genuine, unhinged absurdity. My mom had three separate envelopes of cash stuffed into various corners of her purse. She also had a small pouch of Equal packets. She let me take all the cash. She did not let me take the Equal. Barely ambulatory. Still ready to fight about artificial sweetener.
I also robbed my 9-year-old's piggy bank for a valet tip. Her grandmother paid her back. I stayed out of that transaction entirely.
Alison brings a question from Josh and Casey Mo, who feel like they're either all in or completely checked out — no middle gear — and it's starting to affect their relationships. I have thoughts. Mostly: please go talk to a clinician.
Also in this episode: my husband's vacuum cleaner obsession, the Oscars, Conan O'Brien with a leaf blower, and the universe conspiring to put that exact sound directly into my AirPods at the worst possible moment.
"You can take my money. You cannot take my Equal."
Timestamps:
00:22 — My husband and his four vacuum cleaners
01:51 — The Oscars / sensory nightmare of the week
02:55 — Where did your parents keep the used twist ties?
04:42 — My mom was hospitalized (ICU, kidney transplant, all of it)
07:50 — The only question that matters: how charged is your phone?
08:53 — Purse archaeology: hard candies, cash pouches, and the Equal situation
13:12 — Small Talk: all in or completely checked out, no middle gear
Different, Not Broken is hosted by Lauren Howard. New episodes drop weekly.
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Transcript
[LAUREN] As soon as I turn on the Oscars, O'Brien is on the stage with a leaf blower.
Speaker:[LAUREN] I reject this and I'm very angry.
Speaker:[LAUREN] Old people are funny. And I say that acknowledging that I myself feel like a very old person.
Speaker:[ALISON] I feel like I'm either all in or completely checked out.
Speaker:[LAUREN] What does it mean to be all in? What does it mean to be all out?
Speaker:[LAUREN] My husband loves his vacuum cleaner. He loves it.
Speaker:[LAUREN] We have an upstairs vacuum cleaner, a downstairs vacuum cleaner, and two handheld vacuum cleaners.
Speaker:[LAUREN] It's like a thing. He needs to have a vacuum cleaner within arm's length at all times.
Speaker:[LAUREN] And he will stop everything and start vacuuming things without notice.
Speaker:[LAUREN] I hate the sound of the vacuum. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
Speaker:[LAUREN] I have these new fancy AirPod Pros that actually do a really good job of noise cancellation.
Speaker:[LAUREN] I thought the old ones did. They did not. These do an amazing job of noise cancellation.
Speaker:[LAUREN] People will literally be standing next to me — primarily my children, occasionally my husband —
Speaker:[LAUREN] and have to poke me so I know there's a person there.
Speaker:[LAUREN] So it has not been as much of an issue since I got them, maybe December.
Speaker:[LAUREN] If he does it, I just put my AirPods in, close my door, and it's fine.
Speaker:[LAUREN] And when I say he will do it randomly — nothing's happening, silence, no one doing anything, and all of a sudden —
Speaker:[LAUREN] I have extra holes in my eardrums because I have very weird ears, and I've perforated my eardrums many times.
Speaker:[LAUREN] Certain noises reverberate in my head in ways that are like a nightmare. So anyway.
Speaker:[LAUREN] All this to say that Sunday I was in my office late and turned on the Oscars, which I don't usually do.
Speaker:[LAUREN] I was like, whatever, this is silly and pointless and I'll watch this. And my husband was out there vacuuming.
Speaker:[LAUREN] I put in my headphones, turn on the Oscars, and as soon as I turn on the Oscars — O'Brien is on the stage with a leaf blower.
Speaker:[LAUREN] Making the exact same sound directly into my ears. And I was like, the universe conspired to make this happen.
Speaker:[LAUREN] This could not have happened any other way. I take this personally. This is a violation of my civil rights.
Speaker:[LAUREN] I reject this and I'm very angry. So anyway — that was my sensory nightmare of the day.
Speaker:[LAUREN] I have a question for the millennials and the Gen Xers of the listener base. Where did your parents keep the used twist ties?
Speaker:[LAUREN] Because they were somewhere. They might still be there. For some reason, that is the quintessential explanation of Millennial/Gen X childhood to me.
Speaker:[LAUREN] There was always like a torn-up plastic bag that had all the used ties from bread in it. Did they get reused? Who reused them?
Speaker:[LAUREN] I'm just like anti-twist-tie. I hate them. I don't know why. It has nothing to do with the actual object —
Speaker:[LAUREN] it's just the act of using them that really, really bothers me. So if I open a new bread, I twist it and fold it under itself.
Speaker:[LAUREN] I can undo a twist tie begrudgingly, but I'm not putting it back on. But anyway —
Speaker:[LAUREN] I just was wondering if you could get back at me and tell me where your parents kept theirs.
Speaker:[LAUREN] Because every set of parents had the twist tie bucket, bag, whatever. Tell me about your receptacle.
Speaker:[LAUREN] But this — I got thinking about this because old people are funny. And I say that acknowledging that I myself feel like a very old person.
Speaker:[LAUREN] Like I'm 39 biologically. I think I'm approximately 105 internally. And that's because I'm feeling kind of spry today.
Speaker:[LAUREN] I do include myself in the old people. But I'm actually talking about the boomers and their predecessors as well.
Speaker:[LAUREN] I had an experience last week. My mom was in the hospital for a while. It was like a whole thing.
Speaker:[LAUREN] I knew she was sick. I don't think I realized how sick she was until we actually got her to the hospital and I saw her vitals.
Speaker:[LAUREN] They brought me her labs and I was like, oh, this is really serious. They ended up transferring her from the ER to the ICU, which was the right thing to do.
Speaker:[LAUREN] My mom had a kidney transplant about five years ago. And so anytime she's hospitalized, she has to be on a critical care unit or on the transplant unit.
Speaker:[LAUREN] Even though she's currently not getting another transplant, they have to have her there for that reason. So it's a whole thing.
Speaker:[LAUREN] I took her to the emergency room. They had her all worked up — doing all the things, the poking, the blood studies, and whatever.
Speaker:[LAUREN] One of the fun things about my mom is that her veins are terrible. Her blood is really, really interested in staying inside her body.
Speaker:[LAUREN] It has very little interest in leaving. So most of the ER stay was them trying to get a stick that would actually draw blood.
Speaker:[LAUREN] None of that's the point. This is like a very millennial and Gen X experience — taking our parents to the hospital.
Speaker:[LAUREN] When you have the kind of relationship with your smother that I have with mine, it's a whole thing. And like — I'm great in the crisis.
Speaker:[LAUREN] During the crisis, I'm great. I'll get all the things done. I will make sure everybody goes where they need to go.
Speaker:[LAUREN] I will keep everybody organized, get all the paperwork, get all the numbers, call all the shots, do all the things.
Speaker:[LAUREN] And then once things are stabilized, I'm like — somebody else steps in now. I did my part.
Speaker:[LAUREN] I went to see her. They had transported her from the ER to the big hospital downtown that has the transplant unit.
Speaker:[LAUREN] Basically anytime she is hospitalized, she has to go to this one specific hospital. One of the fortunate things about being in Orlando is we have a very large medical community.
Speaker:[LAUREN] It's kind of shocking for the size of city we are. But she has to go to this one, and it's about 25 to 30 minutes from the house.
Speaker:[LAUREN] They were transporting her via ambulance from the ER to the ICU there. I didn't want her to go with all of her belongings.
Speaker:[LAUREN] So I said — Mom, I'm gonna send you with your phone. You have 60% battery on your phone. I'll bring you a charger tomorrow.
Speaker:[LAUREN] I'm gonna take all of your stuff back with me. She wasn't with it enough to know where her purse was and her belongings and stuff.
Speaker:[LAUREN] The transport guys were like, that's a good idea — she's gonna be moved a lot. I was like, great. So I let them take her.
Speaker:[LAUREN] I went home with all of her stuff. The next day, I woke up, got some work done, grabbed her stuff, went back to the hospital.
Speaker:[LAUREN] This is the question that we ask our parents now when they're hospitalized. I woke up and I said good morning to her.
Speaker:[LAUREN] And I said: "How charged is your phone?" Not — what were your labs? Not — have you seen a doctor yet? Not — how are you feeling?
Speaker:[LAUREN] The first thing I said was: "How charged is your phone?" Because that told me how much time I had before I needed to get her a phone charger.
Speaker:[LAUREN] I had taught her the night before via text how to put her phone on low battery mode. So she actually had enough that I had a couple of hours.
Speaker:[LAUREN] Grabbed the charger, grabbed her bag, went back to the hospital, sat with her for a bit. Had to get back for a meeting.
Speaker:[LAUREN] As I went to leave, she goes: "I don't want you to leave me here with everything in my purse." Which was a good idea.
Speaker:[LAUREN] She said, there's just my wallet and stuff that I don't need while I'm here. Can you take that with you? I was like, no problem.
Speaker:[LAUREN] So I pick up her bag. And again — old people are funny and predictable in very weird ways.
Speaker:[LAUREN] The first thing I pull out of her bag is a bag of hard candies. And I was like — are you someone's grandpa trying to give some kid a Werthers?
Speaker:[LAUREN] She's like: just leave my candies alone. I'm like: okay, that's fine. Moving on. So she says: grab my wallet.
Speaker:[LAUREN] I took her wallet, put it in my purse. Then she said: "And then there's a little pouch that has some money in it."
Speaker:[LAUREN] I was like — you mean, like, cash money? She said: yeah. So I picked up a little pouch. I said, this one? She goes: yeah, that one. Cool.
Speaker:[LAUREN] Put the pouch away. Then she goes: "Wait. And then there's also an envelope that has money in it."
Speaker:[LAUREN] I said — like a bank envelope? She goes: yeah, like a bank envelope. I was like — oh. Why do you... okay, whatever.
Speaker:[LAUREN] So I take that one out and put it in my bag. And I said: anything else? She goes: "I think there's one more envelope with money."
Speaker:[LAUREN] And I'm like — why do you have piles of money stuffed into different corners? Why? So it's another envelope. Okay.
Speaker:[LAUREN] I had just taken several hundred dollars away from her and put it in my own purse with no guarantees I was bringing it back.
Speaker:[LAUREN] To this day I don't know if I'm gonna return it. That might be a finder's fee for keeping her alive.
Speaker:[LAUREN] So I reach into her bag again and I'm like — wait, what about this one? And I swear to God, this woman who was barely ambulatory —
Speaker:[LAUREN] — could barely move — jumps up and goes: "No. Not that one." I was like — step back.
Speaker:[LAUREN] I'm like — oh, what? Okay. And she goes: "That's my Equal."
Speaker:[LAUREN] That's your... As in — you have a satchel of artificial sweetener in your purse. I just took hundreds of dollars from you, and you're worried about your aspartame.
Speaker:[LAUREN] She was like: "They don't give it to me with my iced tea here." So I was like — okay. So I can keep digging through your bag for money?
Speaker:[LAUREN] Yes. I can't take your Equal? No. Okay. Cool. Cool cool cool.
Speaker:[LAUREN] By the way — I did find more money. I did take it. It did go in my purse. I returned most of it.
Speaker:[LAUREN] The only parts I kept: one was to pay the valet out front because I don't have cash. So she can pay for her own valet.
Speaker:[LAUREN] And two — when I was driving to the hospital, I realized I was going to have to valet. I forgot that you have to tip the valet. I didn't have any money.
Speaker:[LAUREN] So I asked everyone in my house — who all happened to be standing in the same place — if anybody had any actual paper money. To which my 9-year-old said: I do.
Speaker:[LAUREN] So I proceeded to rob my child's piggy bank of $2 so that I could tip the valet. She reminded me of this multiple times, including before I left the house.
Speaker:[LAUREN] She came downstairs and said: "Why did you take money from me?" I was like — I explained this to you. But also: because I wanted to. Is that sufficient?
Speaker:[LAUREN] Anyway — her grandmother paid her back. I went into the sack of money, took $2 out, gave it to my child. I stayed out of that transaction.
Speaker:[LAUREN] But anyway, moral of the story is — when you're in dire straits, certain things are worth more than money. And apparently the answer is artificial sweetener.
Speaker:[LAUREN] And now we'll go to Alison who has this week's Small Talk.
Speaker:[ALISON] We have a Small Talk question from Josh and Casey Mo. "I feel like I'm either all in or completely checked out. There's no middle gear."
Speaker:[ALISON] "It's affecting my relationships because people don't know which version of me they're gonna get. Is that something you can moderate, or do you build your life around it?"
Speaker:[LAUREN] You go talk to a clinician. I have lots of thoughts on that, but none that I'm qualified to give.
Speaker:[LAUREN] As somebody who's been around this for a long time — people who are struggling in variable ways — you're going to have day-to-day variations on what you're interested in. That's totally normal.
Speaker:[LAUREN] But if it's enough that people around you are noticing, or it's making you uncomfortable — that's bigger than just meditation and mindfulness.
Speaker:[LAUREN] It might be time to go talk to somebody. Your general practitioner — to see if maybe there's something hormonal or physical going on.
Speaker:[LAUREN] It might be time to talk to a therapist or a psychiatrist to find out if there's a mental health thing going on. There are a thousand questions I could ask about what it means to change that quickly.
Speaker:[LAUREN] But it's not for me to ask. There's somebody to start with — whether it's your general practitioner or a mental health practitioner — to have them ask those questions.
Speaker:[LAUREN] Because it shouldn't be disruptive enough that the people around you who care about you notice. If it's that disruptive, it's time to go talk to somebody.
Speaker:[LAUREN] What — these are the messages I get during the time period I tell people I'm recording and they should not message me.
Speaker:[LAUREN] All caps: LAUREN — have I mentioned I hate saying my name out loud? That's probably another thing we need to record.
Speaker:[LAUREN] And then in all caps: "DID YOU KNOW THE YELLOW CAP COKE HAS REAL SUGAR?"
Speaker:[LAUREN] Okay. That's the episode. Bye.
