You're not supposed to be here and other Dad wisdom

Lauren: 00:00:00

So when I was a teenager, my dad looked at me in the face and said that I wasn't supposed to be there. That sounds offensive. It actually wasn't. It was super empowering.

And I want to talk about all of the ways that we can realize when the environments that we are in were not created for us and how we can fix that. All right, here we go. I'm going to pretend I'm pushing record, because that feels right. Okay, I'm pressing record. Boop. Hi, everybody.

I'm Lauren Howard. I go by L2. Yes, you can call me L2. Everybody does. It's a long story. It's actually not that long a story, but we'll save it for another time.

Welcome to Different Not Broken, which is our podcast on exactly that. That there are a lot of people in this world walking around feeling broken, and the reality is you're just different, and that's fine.

So, quick rundown of the rules. We talk about this every time. If you want to know more about them, pop back to our first episode.

First, I'm going to curse a lot if bad language is a problem. Sorry. Second, I'm going to tell a lot stories, even on things that don't sound like they have stories.

Third, I'm going to tell a bunch of dead dad jokes. It's just par for the course around here.

And fourth, anything that comes out of your face is appropriate here, so you do not have to worry about filtering any part of you to join us in this space. I'm actually mad at my dad right now, which is a weird place to be, especially if you're a person who enjoys yelling at people who you're angry at.

That's not actually true when I'm mad, you know you're in trouble if I'm quiet. If I'm yelling, you're fine, but if I'm quiet, you're in big trouble.

But I had this moment over the weekend where I was kind of looking around at what we built. Half of what comes out of my mouth is a regurgitation from something he taught me. We don't have any of this without him.

My dad was an incredible psychiatrist, but a shit businessman, and he should never have been allowed near a checkbook or a credit card. And that's how I got really good at business, because of that whole childhood trauma thing.

But he also was my best friend, and we were kind of connected in the ether is the only way I can describe it.

Like, there were times when I would wake up in the middle of the night Feeling really weird or panicked, and then find out the next morning that he was up at the same time dealing with some sort of issue, medical issue or whatever. And there was no other reason for me to be up and feel panicked because there was nothing wrong.

And so we just had that, like, very weird kind of woo woo bond that I can't describe, aside from the fact that it just existed and deal with it. But also there are moments that just hit me, especially as we were building all of this stuff out.

And, like, I still instinctively go to be like, hey, is this okay? And, like, he doesn't respond, which is rude. That part has never gone away. Like, it.

There are days where I'm like, I don't know if I can execute on this because I don't have permission. Even though I never needed his permission. Like, I would get his sign off on it because he had the medical license. But, like, it was never.

Like, I had to go to him and be like, can I? I would just be like, hey, we're doing this. And he'd be like, all right, cool. Tell me where to show up.

And so it is very weird, you know, There was a situation last week with an employee that I had to sort out, and it was the first time that. That I really, like, had to be the boss.

Not that I'm not always running our company, but it was like one of those things where I was like, I have to make this decision. Like, there's nobody else to do it. It's my company and I have to make this decision. And I was like, who do I call to run this decision by?

Like, there's supposed to be somebody here and this person is not here. And again, even if I made those decisions when I was running his practice, I never went up to him and said, hey, can I?

It was just like, hey, we're doing this. And it was always okay, but it still feels very, very odd. It feels very unbalanced to not have that.

And so we got an email from a patient over the weekend that was just incredible. I couldn't have planned these things better. It certainly is exactly what we were trying to achieve, and in a lot of cases, even better.

And my instinct, eight and a half years later, is still to pick up my phone and say, hey, old guy, this just happened, and I can't do that.

And it makes me like, we've reached the point eight years in where it makes me mad now because, like, who the fuck do you think you are, not being here for all of these things? Like, who signed off on that decision because it certainly wasn't me. And so I got really mad about it over the weekend.

Aside from the fact that we're running a company that's named after him and he is literally infused in everything we do. And I would not know anything about anything if he hadn't taught me what he taught me. Like, it still some days just doesn't feel like enough.

And even though, like, the dark humor comes from him, when patients came in and said, oh, I, like, I lost my mother over the weekend, like, what you're probably supposed to say to that is like, oh, I'm so sorry. And instead he would say, well, that was careless. Like, we literally said it at his funeral because it was like, such a thing.

And so that's the other reason why, like, I think the dead dad jokes are hilarious, because I know he would think they're. And so he's fully on board for the dead dad jokes. And that's never been a question.

And in fact, sometimes they're funnier because I can hear his giant cackle in my head when we say some of these things that, like, would catch him off guard and then he would, I'm not going to do it. But there was just this, like, very distinct pattern of him, like, processing the joke and then laughing at the joke.

And then he would bring it up again later. I mean, he's the through line in everything we do.

And also the one who, like, taught me very clearly one that there are just some people who are not put on this world to have jobs. Not that they're not put on this world of work, but they're just bad employees. And that's not shameful because he was a bad employee.

And so right out of college, I, like, I got the job that you're supposed to have that paid shit and was with a big company. And I think I was there for six months before I was like, I'm going to lose my mind if I don't get out of this cubicle of my own making.

And he was fully on board with, like, listen, I don't know how you're going to survive. I don't know how you're going to eat, but, you know, if you want to try something else, go try something else.

And it just worked out that I jumped in and ran his practice and that's how we end up here. But if I hadn't had that support of somebody being like, yes, this is terrible. Don't do it. We don't end up here.

I stay at a giant Corporation where I'm miserable and thinking that that's totally okay and acceptable, and then don't go learn an entire field that I could just learn by osmosis. And he also is the one who taught me that when things feel like they weren't built for you, it's because they weren't built for you.

Gaslighting yourself out of that feeling serves nobody. Your job at that point is to fix it or to find a way or someone to fix it.

I don't know that it's necessarily always your job to fix it, but I remember this was. I think I was probably 16, and I was sitting at the kitchen table working on some kind of math homework.

And once I learned the concept, I was really good at math. But learning the concept was always tough for me. And it probably wasn't because the concepts were too hard.

It was because they were taught in stupid ways. And once I got the concept, I could figure out a way to get to the same thing every time without doing it the stupid way they taught me to do it.

And I just remember sitting at the kitchen table and he was on his lounger not that far away, and just like, exclaiming like, this is so stupid.

I don't know why they ask us to do it this very, very dumb, complicated way when this other way works every single time and it makes way more sense and it doesn't preclude you from doing the next step. And he just turned around to me and said, that's because you weren't supposed to be here. And I was like, excuse me. Like, I was 16.

I didn't understand any of this stuff. And he said, yeah, he said we teach to the male brain because men were supposed to be the only people who learned.

We know that if we teach to the female brain, everybody learns better. Now, we would now probably not say female. We would say women or femme brain or whatever.

But we know that everybody learns better when you teach like your subject is a woman. But that means we have to acknowledge that women are allowed to be here as much as men are.

And they're not going to do that because that interrupts their power structures.

So when you find something that works better for you, you're gonna have to do it that way, and you're gonna have to show other people so that they can have the same opportunities that you had by figuring it out. And I was like, but that's so much work. And he kind of just went, yeah. Nobody said it was easy.

Like, I wasn't like, oh, this is gonna Be totally fair for you. None of it's fair. That's the point. None of it's fair. But you weren't supposed to be here. You weren't supposed to exist in this space.

You are not supposed to be educated. You're not supposed to be permitted to have jobs, go to college, run your own business. None of it.

You were supposed to be at home making a chicken for your husband. Like, that's what you were supposed to be doing.

And I remember, like, fighting it, going, like, they wouldn't build an entire structure that excludes people who are obviously here. Like, that's. That doesn't make any sense. Of course, I didn't understand, you know, systemic exclusion or systemic racism or any of it at the time.

I was 16. And he just kind of, like, looked at me and, like, raised an eyebrow and was like, really? Can I teach you about a little thing called the Holocaust?

Because that's basically what they did. And I was like, I guess that is a thing that happens. And he was like, yeah, so you want to rethink that? And I was like, so we're not.

I'm not supposed to be here? And he goes, nope. And I was like, and I have to do a whole lot of work now because of it. And he was like, yep. Dang, that stinks. And he goes, yep.

But then, like, there was no excuse from there on. Like. Like, it was always empathetic. Like, man, it sucks that this is set up this way. Yeah, it does suck. I still have to fix it, don't I? Yep. Okay.

Guess I'll go do that. When you start looking at things that way, maybe this doesn't invite me in. Maybe this doesn't have space for me because I wasn't supposed to be here.

It changes your whole perspective on why things are the way they are, especially if we look at, like, the way current workplaces work. Why is it so hard for neurodivergent people to keep jobs? Is it because autistic people don't always make eye contact?

Or is it because we've built workplaces that are set up so that if you don't do these very neurotypical things, you're not allowed to be there. You weren't supposed to be there. You were supposed to be in someone's basement playing with trains.

And this idea that you are not only allowed to exist in a workplace, but be very successful, be able to thrive, be able to have a job, be able to be successful in whatever industry you choose, which is the case for a lot of Autistic people. There are autistic people who can't work for whatever reason. Autism is still a disability and still interferes with a lot of functionality.

But there are people who figure out how to both work a job and be autistic and not be miserable in workplaces that allow them to do that. And the reason that they are not allowed to do that typically is because they were not supposed to be there. We did not build workplaces for women.

We did not build workplaces for non binary people. We did not build workplaces for, for neurodivergent people. They weren't supposed to be there.

You were supposed to be a 45 year old white man in a blue suit carrying a briefcase with a sharp part and shiny shoes. And that's it. And now this push toward individuality in the workplace. Like, we're not asking to have lunchtime dance parties every day.

We're asking to not be treated like shit for not being a 45 year old white man. We're asking to not be held to standards that other people would not be held to.

We're asking to be allowed to do the best work we can possible in an environment that allows us to do that work.

And that might mean this person works from home because they do better work at home and they communicate better via chat and they prefer to have their camera off during meetings. But they're still doing the job. They're still meeting all deliverables, they're still producing exceptional work.

Why is that person less valuable in the workplace than somebody who has similar or lower quality output but has their camera on all the time?

And like there's an entire rant there about how remote camera on culture is inherently misogynist because dudes can just roll out of bed and turn on the camera and be fine and everybody else has to care what they look like or is supposed to care what they look like. But that's another rant for another day and trust me, I've got plenty.

But the point of all of it is if you don't feel welcome in your workplace, it's because you are not supposed to be there. There's something about that workplace that was built for people who are not you.

And that might be cultural, it might just be that the workplace culture is toxic and it's not habitable to anybody. And that's a totally different story.

Or it might just be that they don't know how to work with a person like you because they've never had to before and nobody has considered it. And that's a different beast altogether.

And it should not preclude people with brains that are, we'll say it, different, not broken, from engaging in the full spectrum of employment, happiness, opportunities, whatever, but we weren't supposed to be here. And so a lot of times we end up having to build our own systems that support us and then educating people on how to implement those systems.

Because the default is for someone who's not you.

So not only do you have to do the work of your job, you also have to do the emotional labor of convincing people that you are allowed to exist as you are.

And there are people who either are not capable or don't want to do that work or it's too vulnerable, it's too exposing, whatever, because they shouldn't have to. Because they should be able to exist in their workplaces safely as long as they are safe for everybody else. Right?

There are people like me who see those things and go, yeah, let's, let's light some shit on fire. But that's me. That's the way I'm wired. I was taught to be wired that way.

That is not necessarily a realistic expectation for other people, but it is still the reason why they go to work and feel like they are a square peg in a round hole. It's because it was not built for them. And the answer is not keep them out of the workplace. The answer is rebuild it, fix it.

Find a different shaped hole. That's kind of weird. Anyway, I think I was 19.

The fact that I can't remember if I was already in a relationship with my husband when I was 19, I was not. That's terrifying because like I don't even think I had settled on a shoe size at 19.

But anyway, we had a party and I don't remember what it was for, but I was at my parents house and we didn't have a big extended family.

So it is bizarre that I very distinctly remember there being multiple family members there, which means they must have come in from out of town or something.

But anyway, we're sitting around and I might have just broken up with a long term boyfriend or something similar and one of the older women there basically turned around to me. Now meanwhile I was in college, I had a job, I was busy, I was basically supporting myself at that point.

I don't think like I'm pretty sure I was paying all of my own bills. I got paid to go to college because of the scholarships that I got. So like I was fine. I wasn't like rolling in dough but like I was paying my bills.

It was fine. And I just remember somebody turning to me and saying, like, is the plan to get married so that somebody can support you?

And I probably just, like, looked back and was like, old people. Like, why would old people say this? Like, oh, you're so old. I would never think that. But I.

I remember not really responding to it, even though I recall being like, really? But I just remember not responding to it. Now, keep in mind, My dad was 48 when I was born. So when I was 19, he was not young and he was never spry.

I want to be clear. Like, he went to Vietnam when he was in his early 30s. I want to say, because again, he was old and he wasn't spry then.

So, like, for him to do what he did was. It will forever be burned into my consciousness. But anyway, somebody said this to me. I don't recall where he was.

I don't recall him being involved in the conversation. All I know is that he, like, ran across the room, ran out of the living room into their bedroom, which was very close by.

And we must have had texting then, because he definitely sent me a text that said, come here. I don't know how he ever could have figured that out because he was legally blind.

I don't know how he texted me, but I know he texted me anyway, got up, went into where he was. Obviously, I knew where he was because I had just seen him, like, stumble across the room to get there.

And I walk in the room, and he, like, slams the door shut behind me and goes, you will make your own damn money. And I was like, no, I know. Like, I don't. I didn't need you to tell me that. Like, that was part of the deal.

He's like, no, I don't care what that old bitty said. You will make your own damn money. And I was like, yes, that is the thing that is going to happen regardless, but thank you for telling me.

And he was like, okay, I'm just making sure. I don't care what she says. You are not going to marry somebody so he can take care of you. You can take care of your damn self.

And I was like, right, I'm already doing that, but thank you for noticing.

But the point is that I'm surrounded by this room of women who could have very clearly sent the message that I was capable and independent and able to do my own whatever.

And instead, the message that they sent was, well, you better make sure that you wipe someone up pretty soon, because otherwise, how are you gonna survive, you're not gonna be able to eat or feed yourself. Clearly you're not capable. And none of the other women corrected them, none of that.

They were all just like, well, yep, this is the knowledge that works. And it took my nearly 70 year old dad running across the house to be the only voice in the room to say, that's antiquated bullshit, and ignore it.

And so I didn't need him to say it. He still said it and that mattered. Sometimes it is important for people to say things, even if you know them, you just need to hear it.

And so, you know, I've worked in mental health my entire career. I worked in mental health alongside my dad. He knew that I knew tons of stuff about the mental health field and treating mental health.

Even though I'm not a clinician. You pick up a lot. But my oldest daughter was significantly al dente. She was six weeks early, obviously came very unexpectedly.

And then actually my youngest daughter was eight weeks early. So we'll have lots of conversations about what it's like to have super fresh, undercooked children.

Anyway, my dad passed away when my oldest was seven weeks old and she came six weeks early. So he only got time with her, like by the grace of something. But I remember they took her to the NICU and I wasn't able to go yet.

My husband was with her. They brought me over to a recovery room where they basically parked my dad.

He was in a wheelchair at that point, but they parked him there and they went to go see the baby. And I, I don't remember. I think I wasn't allowed to go yet or something.

And so it was not weird for my dad and I to just like sit in a room quietly next to each other. There was no expectation that there had to be conversation. And at that point he was already pretty sick. I don't think we realized how sick he was.

But it was not weird for him to sit quietly at that point, even though he was present. And so we're sitting in the room, TV was off. And just out of nowhere he says, hey, some women get a transient depression after they have a baby.

It happens. If it does, we'll deal with it. That was all I was in and I knew all about it.

I was well informed about, you know, postpartum depression or postpartum dysphoria and all of the things that can potentially happen when you're coming down off of all of your baby hormones. But it was so accessible and it was thinking about it. He was already thinking about It.

I had literally had a baby like four hours ago, and he was already thinking about it. And so I just said, yeah, thanks, Dad. I know, but thank you.

And then not two weeks later, at the time, I was told repeatedly, and this is why you should listen to your body.

I was told repeatedly that there was no correlation between nursing and anxiety, that there was no reason except for me being crazy, which is basically what they told me, that I should feel so anxious every time I tried to nurse my child. It wasn't like, I feel like I'm doing this wrong. It was an immediate, intense feeling that the world was ending.

Everything was bad, everybody was gonna die, everything was awful. And at the time, I think I was primarily pumping because she might have still been in the nicu.

And I'm like, carrying this pump around, and I can't be with my kid most of the time because she's in the nicu. And most of the time when I need a nurse, she's not with me. And it's like, it's complicated and awful and stressful.

And I said to the lactation consultant, I was like, every time I either go to nurse her or go to use the pump, I immediately feel like the world is ending. And it only happens when I'm actively trying to nurse her and it stops as soon as I'm done. Oh, well, that just sounds like stress. I mean, right?

And so I went back to him and I said, I. Like, literally, as soon as I start pumping or nursing, I can't stop crying. And he was like, okay, hold on.

And he pulls out his phone and he starts looking at all of his doctor resources. And he validated immediately. He was like, that could be any number of things, but also, I'm sure it's happening.

And I don't remember what he came up with. I know that I stopped nursing. I don't think it was related to that. I think it was just a logistical thing. And also, it really wasn't working.

Like, I don't think my milk ever actually came in, but it was just like, yeah, okay, cool, we'll handle that. And it was the way he handled everything. It was the way he handled, you know, my brain being different.

It was the way he handled every catastrophe that would have freaked out every other parent. It was just like, okay, cool, we'll handle it.

But I will say that as somebody with a brand new premature baby who's in the NICU, this 45 second conversation we had about how just like, hey, if this happens, let me know. It was absolutely Transformative to actually being able to communicate what was happening and also knowing that, like, he'll just figure it out.

And he did.

Okay, so for this week's small talk again, remember, this is something we do every week where we talk about some things that you can try in these somewhat social situations that give people anxiety or things that happen every day that people sometimes don't know how to navigate. I want to talk about the weather. Okay, not actually about the weather.

Even though it's really overcast here and my need for vitamin D is like screaming from out of every pore of my body because we don't like the big light. We don't use the big light.

And so my office has been dark all day because the light that I rely on, which is the natural big light, is not there right now. So not great. But anyway, what I just did, talking about the weather, kind of being silly, that wasn't even planned.

But a lot of people say, well, I don't like small talk because I just don't like to. I don't like to chat about the weather. Why not? I talk about the weather all the time.

First off, it tells people a lot about me because when people find out that we sometimes live up in New Hampshire, they almost always go, oh, my gosh, it's so cold up there. Don't you hate that? And you know what? I don't hate it. I love it. I love being in the cold. I learned that I want to be cold all the time.

And I basically am a penguin. I always wear black and white. I'm short, I waddle.

But aside from that, like, people think it's hilarious that I'm like one of five people in the world who actually want to be in cold weather all the time. And I'm basically like a teenage boy because you can't even get me to put a coat on. I just like walking outside and freezing.

And so they'll say like, wow, it's so cold. Isn't that hard? And I'm like, no, it's great, it's great. And then I usually tell them that I like the weather outside to match my heart.

So cold is where it's at. But that was all a conversation about the weather, right? That's so silly. But they just found out information about me.

They know that I have a sense of humor about myself. They know that I like something weird. People don't like cold weather. I love cold weather.

It also usually leads us into a conversation about how I spent most of my life in Florida and During the pandemic, we got stir crazy and, like, impulse bought a house that I had never seen.

And now we've launched into a whole conversation because we started talking about the weather and they asked me where I'm from and how I feel about it being cold and things like that.

So I feel like people always were like, well, I just want to talk about the weather as if it's some, like, mundane thing that doesn't tell you anything about another person. That's not usually true. It's a great place to start. It's something that everybody understands that everybody has a baseline for.

You can use it to actually learn things about the person that you're talking to. And in my case, you can learn that I am both a penguin and cold hearted. And so look how much you learned in a very, very brief moment.

Thanks for being here, guys. Have a good day. Love you. Mean it. So.

And

Alison: 00:27:35

that's hilarious. That was. But that was perfect.

Lauren: 00:27:39

It's, it's pretty apt right now because penguins are having a moment. I was a little distracted by Alison's cat because there was a cat walking along. And here's the thing. I am a very smart person.

And when I see a cat walking along, and I don't know why the cat specifically, but when I see a cat walking along somebody else's screen box, I literally go, why is there a cat in my house? And it happens every time. And then I go, no, wait, this is the Internet, where we don't have to physically be in the same place to share information.

And then I remember that I don't have a cat and it's not my cat and it's also a thousand miles away. So I'm a very smart person and I run companies. Company.