Episode 43
The Little Extra Hug (And Other Things My Brain Needs)
I didn’t plan to talk about George Carlin.
Or mascara.
Or why I apparently cannot send a calendar invite without causing structural damage.
But here we are.
Hi, I’m Lauren Howard. You can call me L2. Like other people do.
In this episode of Different, Not Broken, I talk about why I can speak into a microphone for 100,000 strangers… and feel deeply uncomfortable when someone I actually know tells me they listened.
I unpack the idea of the “little extra hug” you can only get from strangers. Why performing publicly can feel easier than being known privately. Why validation from the internet feels different than validation from your neighbour.
We also take a very sharp turn into hyperfixation. Makeup hyperfixation, specifically. What it feels like when your brain latches onto something and turns it into a full-blown research project. How dopamine gets mined in drawers full of blush and setting spray. And why sometimes that joy is less frivolous than it looks.
Then we talk about the contradiction that lives underneath all of it.
Being wildly capable in a crisis.
Building businesses in your head in seconds.
And being absolutely useless at routine admin.
This episode is about uneven capability. The shame that can creep in when you’re brilliant in one arena and chaotic in another. And the possibility that maybe nothing is wrong with you. Maybe you’re just built for different things.
For Small Talk, I respond to a listener question about being great in emergencies but struggling with everyday adulting.
Once you’ve been inspired to brag, here’s where you can do it!
https://differentnotbrokenpodcast.com/voicemail
Useful stuff
Stuff that helps you become awesome even if you’re different: https://stan.store/elletwo
My grown up job: https://lbeehealth.com/
Chapters / Timestamps
00:00 – Doomscrolling and documentary spirals
01:29 – George Carlin and the “little extra hug”
04:20 – Why strangers feel easier than real life
07:23 – Makeup hyperfixation and dopamine mining
13:30 – The Sephora return that proved my point
17:29 – Listener question: crisis queen, admin disaster
19:00 – Why I pay people to manage my calendar
20:50 – Maybe you’re just built differently
Mentioned in this episode:
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Transcript
So I know that I say that I only watch shows about murder.
Speaker:My children walk into my office all the time 'cause I have
Speaker:YouTube TV usually playing on my computer screen
Speaker:on the far left side of my
Speaker:snowplow. I have a giant curved computer
Speaker:monitor, and when you're installing it, it has to be like
Speaker:flat, like upright and flat instead of,
Speaker:upright and up. That doesn't make sense. But when you do that, it looks like
Speaker:a snowplow. And so we call it the snowplow. Anyway,
Speaker:my children will walk in and say,
Speaker:Mom, can I color in here? And I'll say, yeah, but let me
Speaker:pause my show. And they'll be like, are you watching murder shows
Speaker:again? I'll be like, yes, obviously I'm watching murder shows, but I don't wanna watch
Speaker:murder shows around them because they are a little young for murder shows.
Speaker:And so because I love my children so much, I will pause
Speaker:my murder shows. That is a sign of true devotion.
Speaker:I don't care what you say. Anyway, sometimes
Speaker:contrary to popular belief and probably the persona that I
Speaker:effuse on the regular, I, I don't watch murder shows. And
Speaker:lately I have been watching, uh, HBO Max has some,
Speaker:some kind of features on on
Speaker:older, mostly deceased stars. And so I
Speaker:watched one on— I think it's relatively new— I watched one on— or maybe not—
Speaker:on Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward. I watched one on,
Speaker:uh, I'm totally blanking on a number of them. I watched one
Speaker:on,
Speaker:uh, Elizabeth Taylor. I probably watched 6 or 7 of them. 7 of
Speaker:them. One of them was on George Carlin. My dad
Speaker:loves George Carlin, and there is no planet where I should
Speaker:have grown up on George Carlin, and I very much grew up on
Speaker:George Carlin. Um, I knew
Speaker:way more about George Carlin than any 8-year-old ever should have
Speaker:known about George Carlin. But my, uh, my dad
Speaker:was a huge— my dad was a huge George Carlin fan and
Speaker:one of his, I just, one of his greatest
Speaker:moments of sadness. I don't know if it was actually a moment of sadness, but
Speaker:it was maybe a moment of disbelief. Uh, you know,
Speaker:mind you, he was an addiction psychiatrist, but like part of George
Speaker:Carlin's whole persona is that he was blown away on cocaine all
Speaker:the time. Like it was like his deal. Uh, and I guess he got,
Speaker:he got sober toward the end of his life. And, and
Speaker:my dad, I think it was like confirmation for my dad that the '70s were
Speaker:over. It was heartbreaking to him. Like his youth was gone.
Speaker:If George Carlin is sober, that means that we are all
Speaker:old people now. George Carlin was the one who was never, like, it was never
Speaker:gonna happen for, and he did get sober. Good for him. But also heartbreaking to
Speaker:my dad for whatever reason. Anyway,
Speaker:um, so the documentary itself is fascinating and, and watching his career
Speaker:progression and watching him go from the suit and tie to the
Speaker:counterculture guy, his plays on words, the way that he would
Speaker:twist, the ways he would twist language, the ways that
Speaker:he would question language, all of it fascinating, especially if you're somebody like me who
Speaker:kind of does some of that naturally in my brain. And
Speaker:somebody, you know, when you write a lot, which
Speaker:I do, I hear
Speaker:I hear sentences with the same
Speaker:kind of,
Speaker:with the same kind of cadence or
Speaker:meter that I think a lot of musicians hear their music with.
Speaker:And so like, I'll read a sentence back and
Speaker:I can tell whether it's right or not based on how it feels, not
Speaker:necessarily what's actually on the page. And
Speaker:certain things just like, it either, it either
Speaker:works or it doesn't. Um, and I tend to hear,
Speaker:I don't hear them as music, but I hear them as,
Speaker:as kind of melodic in my head as far as like whether it works or
Speaker:whether it doesn't. If the, if the things sound like they're in the right order,
Speaker:if there's a better word, if, if I'm missing the point, if it's
Speaker:making the right, you know, if it's hitting the right chord, if it's hitting the
Speaker:right emotion. And so, you know, words are really important to me,
Speaker:but there was a part, and I very
Speaker:much remember this show. George Carlin had a sitcom in,
Speaker:uh, the early, early-ish '90s. He called it a
Speaker:standup sitcom, which I still, I still, I don't remember
Speaker:much, but I still remember the commercial for
Speaker:his sitcom. Where he explains that it's a
Speaker:standup sitcom. And to this day, like that's imprinted on my brain.
Speaker:But he only, I think he only did the show for 1 or 2 seasons.
Speaker:It probably was 1 season before it got canceled, even though it did fairly well.
Speaker:And it was because he hated it. I mean, I think there was also just
Speaker:general issues with the network and, and he could be pretty difficult to work with,
Speaker:but he didn't like doing it. And so they were discussing
Speaker:why he walked away from it, even though technically he got fired,
Speaker:but they're discussing why it didn't work. And
Speaker:somebody described it as
Speaker:he, he needed to be on the road. He needed to be talking
Speaker:to large groups of people because
Speaker:those interactions give you the
Speaker:little extra hug that you can only get from strangers.
Speaker:And it was like, I don't
Speaker:even, I literally like hit pause and I just went,
Speaker:oh shit. I think that's what I've
Speaker:always been unable to describe. Why am I
Speaker:willing to get on this microphone
Speaker:and say whatever pops into my brain
Speaker:in front of last year, 100,000
Speaker:downloads worth of people.
Speaker:But if I run into you on the street and you're like,
Speaker:hey, I listened to your podcast yesterday, or you, or I know you
Speaker:personally and you tell me that you engage with my content, I'm like,
Speaker:what? Why?
Speaker:Why would you do that? That does not seem correct. Don't do that. Don't do
Speaker:that. That's not for you. That is for 100,000. Of my closest friends.
Speaker:That is not for you. And I
Speaker:didn't know that any, I mean, I, I've talked to other people who feel that
Speaker:way and who kind of feel that embarrassment when somebody they actually know in real
Speaker:life engages with something that they do for the internet
Speaker:people. I have talked to other people who are like that, but I didn't know
Speaker:that anybody had ever described it in a way that
Speaker:finally made it make sense. And that's exactly what
Speaker:it is. It's that little extra hug that you
Speaker:can only get from strangers. Do I
Speaker:need validation from strangers? No. Am I
Speaker:fine without it? Yeah. But is it nice to
Speaker:kind of know that somebody who only
Speaker:knows you from the mouth runnings that you do on
Speaker:the internet is actually getting something from it? And get the feedback
Speaker:from them that you would literally rebuff if it came from
Speaker:somebody you knew. Yeah, it is kind of nice.
Speaker:So thank you for my little extra hug
Speaker:that you guys give me by listening.
Speaker:If, if you're out there, hello. Yes.
Speaker:Okay. Um, because that's what it's
Speaker:about and is, should it be about that? I don't know. But if
Speaker:that's what George Carlin was after, then I think I'm okay with it. 'Cause he
Speaker:is one, he's one of the few people in the world who had a
Speaker:microphone who was more foul-mouthed than I am.
Speaker:Like, like I can, I can go
Speaker:toe to toe with the best of them. You guys don't even see the worst
Speaker:of it. And if it's okay for him and if it's what motivates
Speaker:him, then I'm gonna, I'm gonna be okay with it motivating me too. I've always
Speaker:kind of liked makeup. I, I like,
Speaker:I like playing with makeup. I like wearing makeup. Usually it
Speaker:very much goes against my soft pants,
Speaker:shoeless vibe. Like, it, it is
Speaker:counter, counterintuitive to like 90% of,
Speaker:of this persona that I, that I
Speaker:espouse, I guess. But I like makeup. In the last
Speaker:Probably 3 to 4 months. So
Speaker:one of, one of my cozy habits
Speaker:when I need, when I wanna turn my brain off and just like do nothing
Speaker:else is I like to lay in my bed
Speaker:and scroll my phone and open the Macy's app
Speaker:and look at what, whatever makeup is on
Speaker:sale. And I don't know why it's always the Macy's app. I don't, it just
Speaker:is. I don't know. But I, like, if I,
Speaker:if, if 80-year-old women could doom scroll, that
Speaker:would, that's like, that's my vibe. Like, like
Speaker:Edna, Edna, your, your
Speaker:mom's neighbor who crochets
Speaker:potholders and goes to Macy's to get her
Speaker:moisturizer. Like that's, that's the vibe I'm going for. And so that's just
Speaker:been like that. That's been my wind down on Friday nights
Speaker:for forever is you can usually find me scrolling my phone being like, ooh,
Speaker:moisturizer's on sale. I don't usually buy much. I
Speaker:very rarely buy much, but I like to look. In the last couple of
Speaker:months, I don't exactly know why, except for the fact that I think my
Speaker:brain just needs little pockets of joy, just like
Speaker:desperately needs little pockets of joy. I, it has gone from
Speaker:like a passing interest to like a full hyperfixation.
Speaker:And I can tell you all the things about all the stuff. And there's
Speaker:lists. Of course we've made lists. It's me. There's so many lists.
Speaker:And I can tell you who has sales when. I can tell you, especially
Speaker:during Christmas, I was like, oh no, don't buy that now. You need to buy
Speaker:that next week because it was like, it was like a whole thing. Uh, it
Speaker:still is a whole thing. I have a, I have an entire drawer,
Speaker:like I had to get a second set of drawers in my office. To hold
Speaker:all of my makeup because I, if I see new stuff and I'm like, must
Speaker:try. And then it, and then it usually gets delivered. I don't ever leave the
Speaker:house to go get it, which is hilarious because like putting on makeup to be
Speaker:in my house is not super useful, but I do it anyway. But
Speaker:then, and I get like, I get like the 10 minutes of dopamine that I
Speaker:need to go back and do whatever I have to do for the rest of
Speaker:the day. So it's become like a thing and,
Speaker:uh, My entire Christmas list for my husband was
Speaker:makeup. And one day he walks into my office and he is like, can you
Speaker:pick something that isn't stupid makeup? And I was like, but that's what I want.
Speaker:And he was like, yeah, but it's like, it's like 2 entire
Speaker:shopping carts full of makeup. And I was like, do you want it to be
Speaker:3? And he was like, well, okay, no, but like, he was like, is there
Speaker:anything that you want that isn't makeup? And I'm like, no, not really. That's That's
Speaker:what I want. And so I,
Speaker:uh, I went into, I, I
Speaker:went into, he, he, my husband organizes all the presents before they
Speaker:need to be wrapped. And he handed me this thing and he was like, can
Speaker:you wrap this for my mom? It's some makeup that she wanted. And I swear
Speaker:to God, it was like, it was like a light went off and I was
Speaker:like, your mom wants makeup? Tell me more about your mom wanting makeup. What kind
Speaker:of makeup does she want? And he hands it to me and I was like,
Speaker:where did you buy this? And he goes, I don't know. I just bought it
Speaker:from the link that she sent me. And I'm like, no, but what store? No,
Speaker:no, no. That's not where you get this. We need to return this and go
Speaker:get this somewhere else. And he's like, why? And I was like, well, 'cause it's
Speaker:on sale and this is, you can get. And he was like, oh, he's like,
Speaker:okay, that's fine. And then he hands me another thing of this like serum,
Speaker:serum stuff from Lancôme that she wanted. It
Speaker:was super expensive. And he was like, he was like, all right, I bought this,
Speaker:but it's not here yet. And I was like, wait, you already bought this? And
Speaker:he goes, yeah. And I was like, where'd you buy it from?
Speaker:Uh, and he told me, and I was like, you need to return that and
Speaker:buy this one instead. And I like pull up my phone and he's like, that's
Speaker:not what she asked for. And I was like, no, but it's a set. So
Speaker:you bought just the thing and it was $101. I, this
Speaker:was not anything that he showed me. Like you just bought this. That's
Speaker:1.7 ounces and it was $101. If you buy this, it's the exact same size,
Speaker:but it comes in a kit and it's only $89. And then you can use
Speaker:this coupon and it'll take another $15 off of it if you buy it from
Speaker:here. I was like, I think we can still get it in time. And
Speaker:this is not anything we had talked about before. This is not—
Speaker:he did not know that I knew anything about this item at all.
Speaker:And he looks at me and he's like, I have a question for you. And
Speaker:I said, what? And he goes, what did you have for lunch?
Speaker:I was like, I don't know. I've, I don't,
Speaker:I have no idea. He was like, okay, just making
Speaker:sure. What did I pay for this item that you have never seen? And I
Speaker:was like, that was $54. He's like, that's not normal. He's like,
Speaker:that, that's not normal. That's not normal at all.
Speaker:And I was like, can you just leave me alone? I just—
Speaker:fine. So then he did very nicely get me a bunch of the things that
Speaker:I wanted that I would never buy for myself because they're too expensive and I
Speaker:would never spend the money on them myself. And his mom also was very lovely
Speaker:and bought me several of them and I'm it was very, very nice. And
Speaker:shortly thereafter it was my birthday. And on my birthday
Speaker:I was scrolling Sephora, which I do
Speaker:multiple times a day. Shut up, leave me alone. And
Speaker:they had, I, I realized they had a bunch of the stuff that I got
Speaker:on sale and there was another discount on it. And so I put a bunch
Speaker:of them in my cart and set it for pickup. And we, we were headed
Speaker:out that night anyway to go pick some stuff up.
Speaker:And so I figured we would just run past there and,
Speaker:uh, and then I took the ones that I hadn't opened and I put them
Speaker:back in the bag, uh, that we still had and got the
Speaker:receipt and I was like, we'll just take these back and I'll go pick up
Speaker:the ones that I ordered. And so I said to my
Speaker:husband that we need to stop by Sephora cuz I need to return these. And
Speaker:he was like, but I bought them for you and you want them. And I
Speaker:said, yeah, but they went on sale. And so I just, I want to return
Speaker:these because the other one, and I got more and I'll just swap them out.
Speaker:And he's like, okay. So we go into Sephora and
Speaker:I'm standing in the line and I hand everything to the lady and she says,
Speaker:was there anything wrong with these? And I said, no, they just went on sale
Speaker:today. And I, I bought other ones already. So, and she goes, and my
Speaker:husband's standing behind me, he goes, yeah, I got schooled on paying too much.
Speaker:He goes, apparently I, I ran afoul of the makeup
Speaker:encyclopedia. I am sorry. So anyway, if you need to know
Speaker:anything about makeup, including what products to use or how much
Speaker:they cost or how to get it for less expensive or whether to buy it
Speaker:directly from the manufacturer or from a reseller, apparently
Speaker:I didn't even realize that I have become a walking receptacle for this information.
Speaker:And I can tell you exactly how much this stuff costs down to the,
Speaker:basically the penny, but ask me what my kids'
Speaker:names are and I'm like, Oh,
Speaker:there's that bigger one. And then there's that slightly smaller
Speaker:one. Their names are kind of, I don't know. I'll get back
Speaker:to you on that. That is what it's like in hyperfixation town
Speaker:and encyclopedic knowledge town. They live like right next to each other.
Speaker:It's, or they, they like on the map, they're right next to each other. And
Speaker:I didn't realize how, how deeply I had been
Speaker:immersed in this, but also when a new
Speaker:box of things that I definitely didn't need shows up on my porch. And I
Speaker:guarantee you, if I bought it for myself, it was on like super mondo
Speaker:mega sale, 100% on mega sale. I do not
Speaker:buy anything for myself that is anywhere— not that I need to justify
Speaker:this to any of you because I know all of you love me and would
Speaker:allow me to purchase whatever I want for however many dollars I want. But
Speaker:if I bought it for myself, it was cheap, which makes it
Speaker:better, which makes it even better because getting
Speaker:something you love on sale is like the
Speaker:biggest win of your whole life. And in case you were
Speaker:wondering how Jewish I am, it's that Jewish. But
Speaker:I got this big box of stuff that I had purchased.
Speaker:I'm just going to go ahead and say it. Get your— if you like makeup,
Speaker:get yourself an Ipsy subscription. The monthly box is Okay,
Speaker:it's, you get fun stuff, but the sales where you get
Speaker:like really, really expensive stuff and it's like 80% off and stuff
Speaker:that you would never be able to get on that sale, it's the way to
Speaker:go. That's my recommendation. Get a Nipsey subscription. Anyway,
Speaker:uh, I got this big box in the middle of like a really shitty day
Speaker:and I opened it and it had all these
Speaker:L2 toys. That's just basically what they are. It's all toys. That's what I'm buying
Speaker:it for. In the same way that my husband buys vintage video games and fills
Speaker:up my entire front room with them, I do the same thing with makeup. And
Speaker:I was like giddy, like,
Speaker:hehehe, hehehe, ooh, I never thought I would get this and I have it now.
Speaker:And then I got to play with all of them and I get to play
Speaker:with them every day. And odds are, if you come into my office
Speaker:at any point in the several hours before I have a phone call
Speaker:where I need to be on camera, I will be here with like half of
Speaker:my makeup on because I've been fidgeting and fumbling
Speaker:while I'm doing other stuff. And it takes me like 2 or 3 hours to
Speaker:put on a full face of makeup cuz I'm not focused on it the whole
Speaker:time. But it is so fun. So anyway, if I can
Speaker:help you with your beauty purchases, I would be happy to do that. But you
Speaker:might wanna get on it now before I, before the hyperfixation runs out
Speaker:and I end up with a whole cabinet full of makeup that I'm like, what
Speaker:am I supposed to do with this? What am I supposed to do with this?
Speaker:That's probably not true. I've loved makeup for a long time, but Uh, it's on
Speaker:hyper speed and I, and I believe that is because
Speaker:if my brain did not find some way to experience
Speaker:joy on the regular, it was just going to
Speaker:explode. And so that is how we have mined the
Speaker:dopamine and it comes in the form of cream
Speaker:blush and 17 different kinds of
Speaker:setting spray, all of which sit in this IKEA Alex
Speaker:dresser that is right next to me. Give it a shot.
Speaker:Alicia from St. Louis, Missouri has a question.
Speaker:I'm great in a crisis and useless with boring everyday
Speaker:stuff like bills, emails, and forms.
Speaker:It makes me feel like a fraud adult. How do you make peace with being
Speaker:capable in some areas and completely useless in
Speaker:others? Well, first you
Speaker:go to a doctor and get your requisite diagnosis of ADHD. And I say that
Speaker:as somebody who's not a clinician and has no right to diagnose you of that,
Speaker:but I know, I know a fair number of ADHD people and that is
Speaker:like classic. I'm gonna out my brother here. My brother
Speaker:is excellent,
Speaker:excellent in a crisis.
Speaker:Incredible in a crisis. You, something bad
Speaker:happens, something difficult happens, he will have a 7-part action
Speaker:plan. He will manage all the people. He will make sure all the things get
Speaker:done. He will, he will see it to,
Speaker:I don't even say to the end. He'll
Speaker:see it to the least interesting part or the less interesting
Speaker:part. And then it's probably someone else's problem.
Speaker:Uh, but that is like. Super, super,
Speaker:like that is a very well-defined personality type.
Speaker:There are things you're gonna be bad at. I, I run 4
Speaker:businesses and have a successful podcast. I am
Speaker:busy every minute of every day. I am maybe the most
Speaker:hyper-capable person I know in most things, and I don't say that to brag. I'm
Speaker:saying it to make a point. I am super, I can build a
Speaker:new business with an entire strategic design in 30 seconds
Speaker:in my head. It is, I'm so good at it.
Speaker:I cannot run a damn calendar to save my life.
Speaker:If you want something to end up on the calendar and you ask me to
Speaker:do it, it's either not going to happen or I'm going to do it
Speaker:wrong. It doesn't matter what calendar
Speaker:programs you give me. It doesn't matter what kind of booking links you create.
Speaker:I'm bad at it. Part of it is that I
Speaker:just hate making calendar invites. I don't know why. It
Speaker:is like the most benign part of my day. But making
Speaker:calendar invites just like causes rage deep
Speaker:within my soul. I don't know why, but also like
Speaker:figuring out all of the people, finding all the email addresses, making sure you've got
Speaker:it in the right time zone, making sure you've coordinated the right time, make—
Speaker:nope. I hate it. I can't do it. I
Speaker:do it wrong. I forget to put the, the invite link on
Speaker:there. I, I, I, I'm bad at it.
Speaker:I literally pay, depending on the situation, I pay
Speaker:multiple people to handle my calendar cuz I'm that
Speaker:bad at it. I'm so bad at it. It's like, it's
Speaker:not even a running joke. It's just like a, like a mutually understood thing among
Speaker:the people I work with. Don't ask L2 to make a calendar
Speaker:invite. She will either forget or screw it up, and the screw up
Speaker:will be worse than the forgetting. I promise.
Speaker:At some point, I just stopped fighting that. Could I probably get better at
Speaker:calendar management? Sure. But is that where my time and
Speaker:energies are needed? No.
Speaker:I can tell you with certainty
Speaker:that being reliable in a crisis is
Speaker:one of the most valuable skills you can ever have.
Speaker:By a margin of a ton. Knowing,
Speaker:keeping calm in a crisis, knowing how to handle things in
Speaker:a crisis, knowing how to
Speaker:find resources, knowing how to stay
Speaker:organized, that is an exceptional
Speaker:skill. And maybe that's what you should be trading on.
Speaker:Maybe you're doing the wrong things. Like
Speaker:crisis management is a career. There,
Speaker:maybe you're doing the wrong things. Maybe there's nothing wrong with you. You're just doing
Speaker:the wrong things. So
Speaker:like there's, there's lots of nuance to that. However,
Speaker:I don't think, and if you want to get better at the day-to-day
Speaker:kind of work-a-day stuff that is less interesting, there are tools available.
Speaker:There's lots of actually really good apps for it that I've tested out recently. There's.
Speaker:There's tons of different ways that you can get better at it, but also like,
Speaker:I don't think you should be, you should beat yourself up for doing something
Speaker:naturally that like 99% of people are terrible at. Most people
Speaker:become completely useless in a crisis. If you're not that,
Speaker:then maybe we're just leaning on the wrong
Speaker:thing. Ipsy, I-P-S-Y.
Speaker:I'm literally just sticking my hand in this drawer into one of the many
Speaker:dividers that are in here. That's one of probably
Speaker:3 handfuls of eyeliner and mascara.
