Episode 42
Sudoku Shame, Sandwich Logic and Ridiculous Brains
I didn’t plan to talk about sandwiches this much.
Or water.
Or Sudoku.
But here we are.
Hi, I’m Lauren Howard. You can call me L2. Like other people do.
In this episode of Different, Not Broken, I talk about the strange, often ridiculous ways our brains create shame out of absolutely nothing. Eating the “wrong” food. Convincing yourself you hate water even though you love it. Feeling mortified because you’re slow at a logic puzzle no one else can see.
I unpack why our brains invent rules that don’t exist, why invisible judgement feels so real, and why being seen trying can feel worse than actually failing.
This episode is about shame that doesn’t make sense, fear of looking ridiculous, and the quiet pressure to only be visible once you’re already good at something.
Later in the episode, for "Small Talk", I respond to a listener question about the fear of being seen trying, and why vulnerability feels so exposing even when no one is actually paying attention.
You’ll hear:
Why your brain makes up rules it then punishes you for
How harmless things turn into sources of shame
Why being slow doesn’t mean being broken
Why feeling ridiculous is often a sign you’re doing something new
How to stop letting imagined judgement run your life
Once you’ve been inspired to brag, here’s where you can do it!
https://differentnotbrokenpodcast.com/voicemail
Useful stuff
Stuff that helps you become awesome even if you’re different: https://stan.store/elletwo
My grown up job: https://lbeehealth.com/
Chapters / Timestamps
00:00 – Sudoku shame and the nonsense our brains create
01:12 – Sandwich logic and internalised rules
03:32 – Why I pretend I hate water
06:08 – Invisible judgement and made-up leaderboards
09:14 – Listener question: fear of being seen trying
12:32 – Getting comfortable feeling ridiculous
15:40 – Why most people are not paying attention
18:05 – What I actually want you to hear before you go
Mentioned in this episode:
Build Your Better course
Build your better course - https://stan.store/elletwo/p/build-your-better
Wanna sponsor this podcast
http://differentnotbrokenpodcast.com/sponsors
Join Quirky
Transcript
If your brain beats you up over very stupid stuff, tell it to
Speaker:shove it. I have sudoku shame.
Speaker:I make myself feel so bad. Speaking of
Speaker:stupid things my brain does to me on the regular.
Speaker:All right, here we go. I'm gonna pretend I'm pushing record 'cause that feels right.
Speaker:Okay, I'm pressing record. Boop. Hi
Speaker:everybody, I'm Lauren Howard. Welcome to Different
Speaker:Not Broken, which is our podcast on exactly that,
Speaker:that there are a lot of people in this world walking around feeling broken, and
Speaker:the reality is you're just different, and that's fine. I like to
Speaker:eat sandwiches that normal people eat, like, for
Speaker:lunch for breakfast. I don't usually eat actual breakfast food.
Speaker:I'd eat, like, turkey and cheese sandwiches, which isn't that far
Speaker:off from a breakfast food in the US, at least. But anyway, and so I
Speaker:was making the sandwich, and there's nothing like
Speaker:eating salami at, like, 6
Speaker:o'clock in the morning. Like, it sets the tone for the day.
Speaker:And I did regret it afterward. I was like, I think I'm officially too old
Speaker:for this kind of garlic at 6 o'clock in the morning. But anyway, so I
Speaker:have just like the turkey sandwich that I eat all the time,
Speaker:I have a very specific salami sandwich that I
Speaker:eat, which is salami, usually kosher salami,
Speaker:on white bread with mayonnaise, and that's it.
Speaker:That's it. And I
Speaker:cannot tell you when I started eating it. Actually, that's not true.
Speaker:That's not true. We were on vacation
Speaker:when I was a teenager, and it was the only thing that we had in
Speaker:the whole, like, little suite we were in. For some reason, my mom
Speaker:bought a, like, a log of salami. I don't know. Anyway,
Speaker:so I made a sandwich and I was like, this is good. And then I
Speaker:proceeded to eat that forever. So anyway, one time
Speaker:I'm making my sandwich and I did not realize that my dad was standing in
Speaker:the kitchen with me. And he looks at me and he's
Speaker:like, "What kind of sandwich is that?" And I was like, "Salami."
Speaker:He goes, "Wait, like salami
Speaker:on what?" He's like, "That's white bread." And I
Speaker:said, "Yeah, salami on white bread with—"
Speaker:mayonnaise. And he goes, salami
Speaker:on white bread, white bread with mayonnaise.
Speaker:And I was like, yeah, that's how I like my sandwich. And he looks me
Speaker:straight in the face and goes, that's antisemitic, and just walks away.
Speaker:I was like, well,
Speaker:I'm just I'm gonna, just gonna eat my hate sandwich then. It's just
Speaker:how I like to eat my sandwich. Apparently it was supposed to
Speaker:be on rye bread with mustard, which— ew.
Speaker:Ew. I don't mind mustard. Not on that sandwich. I don't want mustard on
Speaker:that sandwich. But rye bread, I can't do it. I understand that there's
Speaker:something wrong with my DNA coding that I,
Speaker:as a Jew person, cannot eat rye bread, but I do not like rye bread.
Speaker:It tastes like feet. Tastes like if you mixed
Speaker:feet with unground grain.
Speaker:I don't like rye bread. Sorry. So anyway,
Speaker:that was when my dad nearly disowned me over a sandwich.
Speaker:My dad loved me so much that he allowed
Speaker:me to live in his house despite my questionable choices. That should really
Speaker:be the punchline. So I have a genuine question about
Speaker:why brains are weird, or why they're weird in this way particularly.
Speaker:Or maybe this is just my brain. I don't know. Why
Speaker:does my brain think I hate water? Not like water in a swimming
Speaker:pool, like water in a cup. Because I swear to you,
Speaker:I will go somewhere and have a glass of ice water, and it will be
Speaker:like, what is this delicacy? And how do I get more of
Speaker:it? This is delicious. And then
Speaker:I go home and it's time to get something to drink and I'm like, blah,
Speaker:water, blah, I don't want that, blah. Or like,
Speaker:I have a fridge full of seltzer. I like seltzer. I like flavorless
Speaker:seltzer, just water and bubbles. It's a very
Speaker:Jewish thing. It's— I've drank seltzer my whole life.
Speaker:I really enjoy it. I don't
Speaker:want that. And then I drink it, and I'm like, this is amazing. Why don't
Speaker:I have this more often? Why does my brain
Speaker:think that I don't like water? Why is it
Speaker:that— that it's like, you definitely need to drink something
Speaker:full of sugar and other
Speaker:carcinogens, probably,
Speaker:instead of going to the fridge that is that
Speaker:like literally has access to cold filtered
Speaker:water that is delicious every time I drink it. You put a little
Speaker:ice in there and it's like, it's amazing. It's every, I
Speaker:rediscover it all the time. I'm like, this is so good. I should drink it
Speaker:more. And then the next day I'm like, blah,
Speaker:blah. Why does my brain do this? Does your brain do this about
Speaker:anything, particularly water, but anything? I need to know.
Speaker:Because I don't— I just, I would save myself a lot of time and money
Speaker:if I would just go to the fridge and get water. But I think about
Speaker:drinking water and I'm like, "Blah, gross." And then I drink it and I'm like,
Speaker:"Oh, this is quite nice. This is so refreshing. This is certainly more
Speaker:refreshing than the big gulp of
Speaker:aspartame that my brain wants to drink." And
Speaker:so anyway, I just need to know why that happens. And if somebody could fix
Speaker:it, that'd be great. Speaking of stupid things my brain does to me
Speaker:on the regular, once you start noticing them, it's like everything's a stupid
Speaker:thing your brain does to you. And I unfortunately have been paying attention to these
Speaker:lately, so this is fun. So
Speaker:I, LinkedIn has those like little games that you can play
Speaker:now. They're like little, and it used to be
Speaker:that they weren't connected to anybody. You would play them and other
Speaker:people would play them, but there wasn't like a leaderboard or anything. And you also
Speaker:don't have to participate in the leaderboard. Also, nobody pays attention
Speaker:to the leaderboard, but there are, I think there
Speaker:are 4 of them that I play. They usually take like 30
Speaker:seconds a day. This is not like, this is not like me devoting an
Speaker:hour to solving logic puzzles every day. Like my life is a logic
Speaker:puzzle. I don't need to spend that much time doing ones that are created for
Speaker:me, but it is kind of fun to just go on there and
Speaker:Whatever. And usually they're very quick and they scratch my brains
Speaker:in the way my brain needs to be scratched. And it's, it's very nice. And
Speaker:I always like to be under the daily average. So like if
Speaker:the daily average was 35 seconds, if I'm 34 seconds or less, I'm
Speaker:solid. And not that it matters, but like that's how I
Speaker:don't wanna be longer than the daily average. So most of them I like blow
Speaker:the daily average outta the water cuz I am I am very good
Speaker:at logic puzzles and nothing else. And so most of them I'm like
Speaker:way under, but they added a mini Sudoku
Speaker:in the last, I don't even know how long it's been a little while now,
Speaker:but they added one. I'm pretty bad at the
Speaker:Sudoku. Like I think I put way
Speaker:too much thought into it and it makes me very slow with the Sudoku. I
Speaker:figure it out. Don't get me wrong, I get there. But
Speaker:every day I finish the Sudoku and like brace myself
Speaker:because I'm like, oh my God, I'm gonna be so— I'm gonna be so much
Speaker:higher than the average. Oh my God, I'm gonna be mortified. And then I'm like
Speaker:a minute— like the average is 1 minute and 52 seconds and I'm like 2
Speaker:minutes and 45 seconds. And I'm like, this is the end, this is the end,
Speaker:my life is over. How could I possibly— nobody sees
Speaker:my fucking Sudoku speed. No one
Speaker:knows that I completed the Sudoku. Even if it goes on a
Speaker:leaderboard, no one's checking it. It's not like—
Speaker:there's no— there I am. I am like deeply mortified
Speaker:every day, so much so that I don't even want to play it. Not because
Speaker:I don't enjoy it, but because I am
Speaker:not fast enough at the Sudoku. This should not
Speaker:matter. The shame that I carry, and I wish I was
Speaker:joking about this, I have Sudoku shame.
Speaker:I make myself feel so bad because I'm not
Speaker:fast enough at the Sudoku, and I have to have like a pep talk
Speaker:every day. Like, that's just not how the brain works. That's
Speaker:okay. There's nothing wrong with that. Nobody else can do
Speaker:the snake one in 8 seconds. I can do the snake one in 8
Speaker:seconds. That should be enough, right?
Speaker:But the idea of some stranger on the
Speaker:internet knowing that I am inept at the
Speaker:Sudoku gives me a great sense of
Speaker:shame. Great enough that I almost don't do the
Speaker:Sudoku some days. And that is silly. It
Speaker:should not matter. Sudoku shame is not a thing.
Speaker:My brain is creating that. My brain is making me feel bad.
Speaker:For academia just to see what happens. There is
Speaker:no— there's no value to this thing. But
Speaker:every day I get done with it and I'm like, is this the day that
Speaker:I finally beat it? Then occasionally I do and I'm like,
Speaker:I'm getting good at it. And then the next day it
Speaker:doesn't matter. It's a brain game. It's just proving that my brain works.
Speaker:Brains that work slow still work.
Speaker:There's no additional value to my life or to my own person because I
Speaker:can do the Sudoku quickly. It's not a thing. It's not a
Speaker:thing. Anyway, if your brain beats you up over very
Speaker:stupid stuff, tell it to shove it.
Speaker:And you can take as long to do the Sudoku as you want, and that
Speaker:is more for my need to hear it than it is for yours, but you
Speaker:should also take it with you. It's
Speaker:just do the Sudoku. It's good for your brain. It might not be good
Speaker:for your ego, but it's good for your brain.
Speaker:That happened this morning. I was really disappointed in myself. It took me a long
Speaker:time to do the Sudoku. I was like, LinkedIn people are
Speaker:smarter than I am.
Speaker:Either that or they just are better at picking random numbers that happen to
Speaker:fit into the mini Sudoku.
Speaker:And now we'll go to Allison, who has this week's
Speaker:Small Talk. Okay, so we have a question from
Speaker:Devin in Pasadena, California.
Speaker:I'm scared of being seen trying. I'll work really
Speaker:hard in private, but the moment something becomes visible,
Speaker:I want to disappear. How do you let people see you without feeling
Speaker:exposed or ridiculous?
Speaker:Man, do I feel this. This is like my whole vibe.
Speaker:Like, first off, if I'm not immediately good at something, I don't wanna do it.
Speaker:I don't wanna try again. Like, and I see my 7-year-old doing that all the
Speaker:time and I'm like, oh, that's not great. Don't do that. Like if, if I
Speaker:have to work really hard at something, I immediately assume I'm a failure because I
Speaker:wasn't just good at it on the first try, which is like a thing. But
Speaker:I have always struggled, always,
Speaker:with the idea of looking like I
Speaker:think I'm good at something, something that like requires talent
Speaker:and that requires trying and it requires vulnerability.
Speaker:Because what if you're not good at it?
Speaker:What if, like, what if you decide you
Speaker:want to sing in front of a bunch of people and then you end up
Speaker:not being a good singer? Or, or
Speaker:why would— like, what if you made the presumption that somebody wanted to
Speaker:listen to you sing and you were wrong? How mortifying.
Speaker:That's how I felt. I'm not saying that that's actually true. That's how I always
Speaker:felt, is like going out of your comfort zone— not
Speaker:even out of your comfort zone, doing something that requires
Speaker:eyeballs on you makes the assumption
Speaker:that you think you have something to give them, something to offer them that
Speaker:they might want to take and, or
Speaker:they might want to consume. And that is
Speaker:that level of vulnerability. And I say this as somebody who literally shares my
Speaker:entire life into a microphone multiple times a week. That level of vulnerability
Speaker:feels like the end of the actual world to me, or at least it did.
Speaker:In some ways it still does.
Speaker:I think you're coming at it from the wrong perspective.
Speaker:I think it's not about figuring out how to not feel ridiculous,
Speaker:and it's about just getting comfortable feeling ridiculous.
Speaker:Like, you're gonna feel ridiculous all the time. I do it constantly.
Speaker:But what is the logical outcome? Or like, what's the
Speaker:worst thing that comes from you feeling ridiculous? Somebody else thinks
Speaker:you're ridiculous? Okay, fuck 'em.
Speaker:Most people don't care. Most people are not paying attention
Speaker:or they're like, it takes way too much thought to put emotional
Speaker:investment into whatever you are doing. They're busy paying attention to their
Speaker:own stuff. Nobody's paying attention to you. I actually learned this when I
Speaker:very, very start— first started sharing content on the
Speaker:internets, which was mortifying to me. And please
Speaker:note, I'm talking into a microphone right now that's going to get
Speaker:posted on the internet. So that was our starting point.
Speaker:I was like, people are gonna read this and they're gonna be mortified that
Speaker:I— they're gonna be mortified on my behalf that I thought
Speaker:I had anything to say. They're gonna be like, who is this chick?
Speaker:Why should I give a crap about what she has to say? She should be
Speaker:so embarrassed. And someone very early
Speaker:on said to me,
Speaker:You're not doing things because you're worried about what people are going to think, and
Speaker:they are not thinking about you. They don't
Speaker:care. There is nothing that you are doing that they give a
Speaker:shit about. And if you do anything big enough
Speaker:that they give a shit about, you've done something huge.
Speaker:People are not paying attention to you. And also,
Speaker:if they are paying attention to you, just to say something
Speaker:shitty, why do you care about their opinion if that's the type of
Speaker:people they are? So you just get used
Speaker:to feeling ridiculous. It's not a bad feeling.
Speaker:In fact, once you get used to feeling ridiculous and being comfortable with it, it's
Speaker:actually kind of fun. There's a lot of, you
Speaker:know, I say this as the person who again, doesn't like to put on
Speaker:shoes or pants and leave the house, but that's like
Speaker:That's not because I feel ridiculous doing it. That's not because I feel out of
Speaker:place. It's because it's a lot of work that I don't want to do.
Speaker:It's— if you were like, hey, we're
Speaker:going to go to this place and we're going to do a really stupid thing
Speaker:and we're going to wear sumo suits and jump around
Speaker:like crazy people and sumo wrestle in a
Speaker:giant sumo ring, I'd be like, done. Let's
Speaker:go do it. Sounds delightful. I'm on board. Because
Speaker:when you feel ridiculous, it's because you're probably having fun.
Speaker:You're probably moving outside of your comfort zone. You're
Speaker:probably doing something that is not anything that
Speaker:you don't have any sense memory on. You're not just repeating something over and over.
Speaker:You're doing something new. I don't think it's about figuring out how to not feel
Speaker:ridiculous. I think it's about figuring out how to do things when you feel ridiculous.
Speaker:Feel ridiculous, whatever. People who have negative opinions about
Speaker:that can get bent, and the people who love you will
Speaker:come be ridiculous with you, and the rest of the people
Speaker:aren't gonna be paying attention. And why are you making decisions for yourself
Speaker:over the responses of other people who don't matter? They
Speaker:don't matter. Go be ridiculous. The world needs a little bit more
Speaker:ridiculousness that is not tied to an orange wannabe
Speaker:despot with tiny hands. Go be ridiculous.
Speaker:He's really sensitive about his tiny hands, so I like to talk about them all
Speaker:the time. Also his cankles. Come at me,
Speaker:bro. I'd be much more likely to end up with RFK on one of my
Speaker:feeds because I talk so much shit about him very directly,
Speaker:but I'll take either. That would be like—
Speaker:that's the moment where I would die happy. Is when either of them know
Speaker:that some random woman with a microphone is talking shit about them
Speaker:on the internet without fear. Get fucked. All of a
Speaker:sudden, my birth certificate is nonexistent.
