Episode 9
Find yourself needing to mask at events? Here's how I avoid it.
Have you ever caught yourself rehearsing your 'acceptable' self before walking into a room full of strangers?
You know — slapping on that thin, artificial smile, smoothing out every quirk for the comfort of everyone else, and realizing you’re running a (very professional) version of a one-person Broadway show called, “Make Me Palatable”?
Hi, I’m Lauren Howard (People call me "L2"), and this week on "Different, Not Broken", we’re pressing record on a conversation most of us never have out loud: Do you find yourself needing to wear a mask?
In this episode, I admit something that surprised even me: I almost never have to mask anymore.
Freedom, right? But — plot twist — it turns out that’s not because I’m some brave authenticity unicorn.
So, what happens when a self-declared, professional non-masker lands in the exact kind of 'grown-up' cocktail hour her younger self would’ve run from?
Let’s just say it involves neurodivergent pre-planning, existential dread, and exactly zero interest in “introducing myself to some stranger just because that’s what adults do.”
If you’ve ever felt like the real you is just a bit too much (or not enough) for the room, this one’s for you.
(P.S. If you find a secret trick for ordering drinks like a normal adult at a work party, please message me. For science.)
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Timestamped summary
00:00 Selective Social Engagement
05:04 "Fashionably Late Party Entrance"
09:24 First Impressions Evolve Quickly
10:57 "Obligations and Friendship Dynamics"
15:16 Ending Calls Unconventionally
17:06 "Ending Conversations Simply"
Mentioned in this episode:
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Transcript
Obviously, we talk about authenticity a lot.
Speaker A:I talk about how I rarely have to mask, or I almost never mask.
Speaker A:And I did not realize until very recently how much that is a function of this life we have designed for ourselves or that I've designed for myself.
Speaker A:And I want to talk about that experience and what that made me realize.
Speaker A:All right, here we go.
Speaker A:I'm going to pretend I'm pushing record, because that feels right.
Speaker A:Okay, I'm pressing record.
Speaker A:Boop.
Speaker A:Hi, everybody.
Speaker A:I'm Lauren Howard.
Speaker A:I go by L2.
Speaker A:Yes, you can call me L2.
Speaker A:Everybody does.
Speaker A:It's a long story.
Speaker A:It's actually not that long a story, but we'll save it for another time.
Speaker A:Welcome to Different Not Broken, which is our podcast on exactly that.
Speaker A:That there are a lot of people in this world walking around feeling broken, and the reality is you're just different, and that's fine.
Speaker A:So, quick rundown of the rules.
Speaker A:We talk about this every time.
Speaker A:If you want to know more about them, pop back to our first episode.
Speaker A:First, I'm gonna curse a lot if bad language is a problem.
Speaker A:Sorry.
Speaker A:Second, I'm gonna tell a lot of stories, even on things that don't sound like they have stories.
Speaker A:Third, I'm gonna tell a bunch of dead dad jokes.
Speaker A:It's just par for the course around here.
Speaker A:And fourth, anything that comes out of your face is appropriate here, so you do not have to worry about filtering any part of you to join us in this space.
Speaker A:I'm pretty fortunate overall in that I have created this life where I can be myself all the time.
Speaker A:I am almost always in my office, no shoes, hair piled on top of my head.
Speaker A:Like, if you get this version of me, it's because somebody told me I'm going to be on video, and I decided to not look fully ratchet.
Speaker A:But for the most part, it's messy and unkempt, and it's not a problem.
Speaker A:That's.
Speaker A:The other thing is, it's.
Speaker A:There's nothing in my life that requires more from me.
Speaker A:Usually, if I don't want to do things, I don't do them.
Speaker A:If I don't enjoy things, I don't partake in them.
Speaker A:I really have created a life where, for the most part, days don't always go how I want them, but they include the things that I am comfortable doing or things that I am willing to push myself out of my comfort zone for.
Speaker A:And so for those reasons, like, I almost never have to mask.
Speaker A:I almost never have to code switch anymore.
Speaker A:I used to have to do it in corporate all the time when I was working for a bigger company.
Speaker A:And.
Speaker A:And I had to be really precise about how I said things so I wouldn't be perceived as difficult or abrasive or all of the invectives that we hurl at women just for daring to exist and have independent thought in the workplace.
Speaker A:And I don't have to do any of that anymore.
Speaker A:And so much so that I forget that it's still a thing.
Speaker A:I know it happens to other people, let's put it that way.
Speaker A:I know other people are in those environments.
Speaker A:I don't know if regularly, but they are in those environments.
Speaker A:I know it's a thing that exists.
Speaker A:It does not exist in my bubble.
Speaker A:Very rarely, at least.
Speaker A:And I say that as a person who still partakes in the world.
Speaker A:We still go do things we enjoy.
Speaker A:We go to dinner.
Speaker A:I see my friends, I occasionally see my friends.
Speaker A:We have people come over.
Speaker A:Like, it's not like I'm not participating in the world, but I'm participating in the parts of my world that I want to participate in.
Speaker A:And if we can continue to function and pay our bills and be satisfied with the lives that we're living by doing those things, then, like, why would I go put myself in the situations that I don't wanna be in just because that's a part of somebody else's life?
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker A:We had a conference recently, and it was an excellent conference.
Speaker A:It was great.
Speaker A:And people know this.
Speaker A:Most of my team is neurodivergent.
Speaker A:Like, it's why we almost never have a successful business development team.
Speaker A:Because I hire a bunch of people who are introverted, antisocial people like myself.
Speaker A:And so every time I need somebody to go out and, like, do like, the talking to other people things, it's like pulling teeth to find somebody who actually is willing to do it.
Speaker A:That's not entirely true anymore.
Speaker A:We actually have a couple of really, really amazing people who are great at it now.
Speaker A:But it has historically been an issue because I hire people like myself.
Speaker A:Not intentionally.
Speaker A:It's just they tend to gravitate more toward me and end up in my universe because, you know, because the things I say resonate with them.
Speaker A:And then we end up with a bunch of, like, introverts who don't want to talk to anybody.
Speaker A:And I'm like, no, but I need somebody to do this job.
Speaker A:Please go find me an extrovert.
Speaker A:But as I said, we had this conference last week and one of my team members went with me to do the singing parts for me.
Speaker A:So That I could just show up and be a trained monkey and leave.
Speaker A:And part of the event, part of the requirements was this brief, little.
Speaker A:Not really a party.
Speaker A:It was like a reception.
Speaker A:They really were interested in us coming so that we could meet the board members and meet the sponsors and shake hands and meet people beforehand.
Speaker A:And all of the speakers were there, and it was pretty cool.
Speaker A:And it was a really nice little event.
Speaker A:It was swanky.
Speaker A:And it was in a nice hotel, and there was a bar.
Speaker A:It was all set up like a swanky, fancy little party should be, right?
Speaker A:And we dressed up for it.
Speaker A:I put on an actual dress with actual heels.
Speaker A:There are pictures I probably won't show you, but there's proof.
Speaker A:And we deliberately.
Speaker A:Let me tell you that the crew of Neurodivergence that I roll with, we scheduled to be there 15 minutes late, because you can't show up for a party exactly on time, but we also can't just fly by the seat of our pants.
Speaker A:So we watched the clock to make sure that we were 15 minutes late.
Speaker A:There were actually a lot of people there when we got there, which was shocking to me because I thought that all of the neurotypicals would just, like, roll in.
Speaker A:That's not what happened.
Speaker A:They were already there anyway.
Speaker A:It was fine.
Speaker A:Some people did get there after us, but we stepped off the elevator.
Speaker A:We were staying in the hotel, so it's not like the commute was far.
Speaker A:We step off the elevator and walk in the room.
Speaker A:The first thing I heard was kind of like the roar that you hear of people mingling at a party.
Speaker A:And I was, like, immediately hit with this sense of dread.
Speaker A:And I stood just outside of the elevator, off to one side and, like, flap my hands, because that's what I do when I'm trying to hype myself up for something and manage my nerves.
Speaker A:I wasn't, like, nervous to go in and talk to people.
Speaker A:It wasn't like I was nervous.
Speaker A:It was just like, man, I don't want to do this.
Speaker A:I don't.
Speaker A:Like.
Speaker A:If I could list 100 things that I should be doing with my time, this would not be one of them.
Speaker A:And it had nothing to do with this event, because the people who were hosting it, the people who were there, everybody was lovely.
Speaker A:I really enjoyed myself.
Speaker A:We had a good time, but I was still just, like, knowing all of those things and knowing that all of those things were true.
Speaker A:I didn't want to walk in the room.
Speaker A:Alison, being the wonderful Allison that she is, hyped me up.
Speaker A:And we were like, yep, we're just going to do it.
Speaker A:We're going to rip off the band aid.
Speaker A:We walked in.
Speaker A:Thankfully, everybody was kind of involved in themselves when we walked in.
Speaker A:So we were able to kind of acclimate to the space and get name tags.
Speaker A:And then one of the organizers saw us and came over.
Speaker A:And it was the first time we got to meet her.
Speaker A:And she was delightful and very, very small.
Speaker A:I was shocked.
Speaker A:I am always the smallest person in the room.
Speaker A:Always.
Speaker A:I was wearing four inch heels, which is a view I don't usually get.
Speaker A:But I was very.
Speaker A:I was like, I immediately love you because I am not the smallest person in this room.
Speaker A:Thank you.
Speaker A:But she also had a personality big enough to dwarf everybody.
Speaker A:Everybody else was small in comparison to her.
Speaker A:So good for her.
Speaker A:It was amazing.
Speaker A:But she was like, go get a drink, mingle.
Speaker A:I'll come find you in a little bit.
Speaker A:So we did go over to the bar.
Speaker A:Cause that's what we were told to do.
Speaker A:And we do what we're told.
Speaker A:And both of us stood at the bar and went, what do adults order in public?
Speaker A:And we just kind of like stood there like, this isn't something we do.
Speaker A:What are we?
Speaker A:What do we do?
Speaker A:Neither of us could come up with a suitable alcoholic beverage.
Speaker A:Neither of us.
Speaker A:We've just got sodas.
Speaker A:And I was like, I'll let people believe there's rum in it.
Speaker A:That's fine.
Speaker A:I just want a soda.
Speaker A:We had our drinks so we could sip.
Speaker A:And it occurred to me that the expectation there was that I was going to go introduce myself to some stranger, that I had no idea who they were or why they were there.
Speaker A:And I went, yeah, that's not happening.
Speaker A:So we found a table so that we could stand at and talk to each other.
Speaker A:They don't know that we're together, so it's fine.
Speaker A:We chatted with each other.
Speaker A:And eventually somebody did come over and make the introduction.
Speaker A:And then they introduced us to some other people and we got to chat.
Speaker A:And it was very nice.
Speaker A:But I realized standing there that there was no planet where I was walking up to a full stranger and saying, hi, I'm so and so, and I'm speaking at the conference tomorrow.
Speaker A:That interaction would have been my actual nightmare.
Speaker A:I would have.
Speaker A:The person would have looked at me and been like, congratulations.
Speaker A:Like.
Speaker A:Like what?
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:Certainly not like joining a conversation actively in progress.
Speaker A:No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Speaker A:I'm just gonna stand off to the side.
Speaker A:That's fine.
Speaker A:So eventually our table did get filled with People we met some of the speakers that were happening the next day.
Speaker A:Everybody was so lovely, so nice.
Speaker A:I was so taken aback by the fact that.
Speaker A:And I guess I just forgot that this is, like, social interaction.
Speaker A:I guess I don't do this very often.
Speaker A:People walk in and you get a first impression, and that's normal.
Speaker A:And then after you talk to them for 10 minutes, they're a different person.
Speaker A:They appear to be a totally different person.
Speaker A:Whatever your initial first impression of them was does not persist.
Speaker A:Usually they go from being the caricature of whoever it was who walked up to you initially or walked in initially, to being, like, a fully formed, intelligent person who has experiences and has a job and has all sorts of experience that they're bringing to this conversation.
Speaker A:It had just been a long time since I had watched people do the morph in front of me and all of a sudden go from complete stranger to somebody who I would now recognize in a room that I could spend time with.
Speaker A:So we chatted, met some nice people, shook some hands, sipped our sodas like adults.
Speaker A:Got to talk to some of the conference organizers who are lovely people who we've talked to multiple times.
Speaker A:And it was really nice to get to meet them in person.
Speaker A:And that is something I don't get to do very often.
Speaker A:So that was excellent.
Speaker A:They did some speeches.
Speaker A:The buzz kind of died down.
Speaker A:Everybody was separating off to talk to the people they knew or the people that they've met.
Speaker A:Alison and I looked at each other and went, do you want to go find a bathroom that's definitely in our hotel room and be done?
Speaker A:She went, yeah.
Speaker A:And I was like, cool.
Speaker A:We did our part.
Speaker A:Awesome.
Speaker A:We were here for a full hour, and we left.
Speaker A:We enjoyed it.
Speaker A:We really liked it, and we still could not wait to get out of there.
Speaker A:And that is not a criticism on them.
Speaker A:That is very much a comment on how we have built our lives, which is that those things are just not part of them.
Speaker A:We'll do them.
Speaker A:I'll do them if it's an expectation, if it's contractually obligated, if it's something that helps somebody in some way.
Speaker A:Sometimes I get those invites where the right thing to do is to be there for someone, you know.
Speaker A:This weekend, I'm gonna go see my friend in a play, and I'm gonna sit in a very small theater that probably next to somebody who I don't know who is smelly, and I'm gonna enjoy the play because she's in it, and I'm gonna get to see her.
Speaker A:Do her thing.
Speaker A:And I'm gonna be so glad to be back home afterward because I don't like sitting in a room with a bunch of strangers for two hours.
Speaker A:But she's my best friend in the world, and every time I show up to something she's doing without telling her first, her eyes light up and she is so happy to see me.
Speaker A:And that is something that I will do a thousand times over because it makes her happy.
Speaker A:Do I care if I go see a play?
Speaker A:Is my week better because I'm going to see a play this weekend?
Speaker A:No, my week is better because I'm going to make my friend happy.
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker A:Those are the incentives that I have to go do those pseudo social things.
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker A:But as we left.
Speaker A:As we left an event that we really liked, it was very nice.
Speaker A:We felt like we were accepted into this group that all kind of knew each other, and they were very nice to us, and they all, you know, they invited us to some other things.
Speaker A:I realized that I have had the privilege of building a life where I don't have to slap a smile on my face and walk in and schmooze and shake hands if I don't feel like doing those things.
Speaker A:And I say often, I live a life where I don't have to mask.
Speaker A:And that's true, but that is a function of really, really good design.
Speaker A:It is not a function of the actual reality of what's happening out in the world.
Speaker A:It was the first time in a long time where I was like, maybe I should not say the snarky thing that just popped up into my head and shake this person's hand and introduce myself.
Speaker A:This person doesn't know me from the Internet.
Speaker A:I did not meet this person online and get to read their profile first.
Speaker A:I don't know how they lean politically.
Speaker A:I don't know if they think dead dad jokes are funny.
Speaker A:I should probably tread lightly and be the version of myself that is palatable to everybody until I find out who we're talking to.
Speaker A:And eventually I found out that they were cool, too.
Speaker A:It's fine, but that is the first time I have had to do that in so long, in so very long.
Speaker A:It almost felt very poignant that despite the fact that I really had convinced myself that I don't do those things anymore, it was just like a switch that flipped.
Speaker A:I'm back in a room full of strangers.
Speaker A:Haven't done this in a while, but.
Speaker A:But we're doing it again.
Speaker A:Make yourself acceptable.
Speaker A:Make yourself palatable.
Speaker A:And then leaving and going, this isn't how we exist anymore.
Speaker A:We have built a different world for ourselves.
Speaker A:Will I do it again?
Speaker A:Absolutely.
Speaker A:If it's an event that I have to take part in and part of it is, you know, the social get to know you section of whatever.
Speaker A:Cool.
Speaker A:No problem.
Speaker A:We'll do that.
Speaker A:I forgot that it still exists, which is wild, because obviously it still exists.
Speaker A:I forgot what it's like to not know which version of yourself is acceptable.
Speaker A:And I forgot how quickly you can quell the rebellion of feeling like every part of me is acceptable because it is so that the people around you will like you.
Speaker A:I hope that we keep working toward a world where you really can just be whichever version of yourself you are when you walk in a room.
Speaker A:I did not know that I still had it in me to turn it off.
Speaker A:And that was a wild experience.
Speaker A:Okay, so for this week's small talk again, remember, this is something we do every week.
Speaker A:Now with this week's question from our community, here's Alison.
Speaker A:How do you end the conversation if there's nothing else to talk about?
Speaker A:So there's the actual way.
Speaker A:This is a really good question.
Speaker A:There's the actual way, and then there's the way that I imagine myself doing it, which is really funny.
Speaker A:And it's actually the way that I end phone calls with people I know really well who, like, I can do that with.
Speaker A:This is related, but unrelated.
Speaker A:I have my oldest brother who I have a very strange relationship with, and we will always have a very strange relationship.
Speaker A:I went through a period of time where he would call me just to talk, and I would just, like, hang up halfway through the conversation without telling him because I was just tired of hearing him, which is like my social skills in a nutshell.
Speaker A:But he's my brother, and he has to like me anyway.
Speaker A:And so I don't actually know that he.
Speaker A:He knows that that's the thing that I used to do.
Speaker A:I think he just thought my phone sucked.
Speaker A:But no, I was just like, I'm tired of having this conversation.
Speaker A:By don't do that.
Speaker A:I mean, you can, but don't do that.
Speaker A:That's just a funny story.
Speaker A:The other thing unrelated.
Speaker A:I have many siblings.
Speaker A:I have many, many brothers.
Speaker A:Like, in the event that you were wondering if I'm an eldest daughter and that's where all of this comes from.
Speaker A:Yes.
Speaker A:And my middle sibling, who I used to talk to fairly regularly, I would call him when he was at work.
Speaker A:And if he.
Speaker A:If I knew he was at work, I would call him on his work phone.
Speaker A:So that he was.
Speaker A:It was a pizza place.
Speaker A:And he would answer.
Speaker A:And if I was calling him when he wasn't at work, I would call him on his personal cell phone.
Speaker A:Obviously, this was right when that Madonna and Justin Timberlake song came out.
Speaker A:You've only got four seconds to save the world or something.
Speaker A:Or four minutes to save the world.
Speaker A:Four minutes.
Speaker A:And for some reason, and I don't know why this just popped into my head, and this is not the answer to the question, but it's still funny, for some reason, we decided that it was hilarious to call each other unannounced when the other one picked up.
Speaker A:Start having a regular conversation, and then, like, halfway through the first sentence, say, we've only got four minutes to save the world.
Speaker A:And hang on.
Speaker A:So we basically were tricking each other into having conversations and then getting hung up on all the time.
Speaker A:It was like.
Speaker A:It was like a Rick roll before a Rick roll was a thing.
Speaker A:Those are not ways to end conversations that you're done with.
Speaker A:But if you do take a video and send it to me because I need to see it, do not take my advice.
Speaker A:But should you please make sure there's evidence?
Speaker A:Now, the actual question was, how do you end a conversation that you're done with that you don't have anything else to say?
Speaker A:And, like, there's a ton of ways to do that.
Speaker A:I think we kind of over complicate it because it feels like you're getting to, like, the end of something that needs some actual punctuation on it.
Speaker A:You're not sure how to do it, and all of a sudden you're stuck there and stammering and what do you do?
Speaker A:But I think you can always just say, well, it was great talking to you.
Speaker A:I'm gonna go do whatever, but I hope to see you around again.
Speaker A:And that can be it.
Speaker A:Or like, hey, you have my information.
Speaker A:If there's something else I can help with, let me know and we'll go and then just walk away.
Speaker A:You can also say, you know, you can always make up an excuse.
Speaker A:I have no qualms with making up an excuse.
Speaker A:I blame a lot of things on my kids, a lot of things that have nothing to do with my kids.
Speaker A:On my kids, if I need to get out of somewhere and be like, oh, you know what?
Speaker A:I gotta go relieve the babysitter.
Speaker A:So it's so great to talk to you, but I gotta go.
Speaker A:But you don't have to do that.
Speaker A:You can always just say, like, you know what?
Speaker A:This has been great.
Speaker A:Thank you so much.
Speaker A:I gotta run.
Speaker A:But it'd be great to talk again.
Speaker A:And, you know, please don't hesitate to reach out if you need me.
Speaker A:Unless you're in the middle of, like, a really deep, heartfelt moment that requires some sort of closure that would be really uncomfortable for the other person for you to just be like, hey, bye.
Speaker A:Then just saying, like, this has been great.
Speaker A:Thank you so much.
Speaker A:And bouncing out would be totally fine.
Speaker A:I will say, however, I think I referenced this before.
Speaker A:When I'm hanging up with people who I know very well, who are part of people who would not think this is weird.
Speaker A:I will, like, without prompting, when we get to whatever the natural end of the conversation is, just go, okay, I love you, bye.
Speaker A:Or, okay, bye, and hang up.
Speaker A:And they don't mind that.
Speaker A:So just know your audience a little bit and know how well you know your audience.
Speaker A:But some of those things are acceptable.
Speaker A:Some of them are less acceptable.
Speaker A:And if you do them, I need video evidence.
Speaker A:Thanks for being here, guys.
Speaker A:Have a good day.
Speaker A:Love you.
Speaker A:Mean it.
Speaker A:When you were talking earlier, about four minutes, the only thing that went through my head was that, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock.
Speaker A:So now I've had to look up the video, and now I'm gonna have to watch it after this because I remember the music.
