Embracing The Gift of Nothing and Why Modesty Hasn't Helped Your Career!

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Nobody tells you that being an adult is just figuring out what to

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eat over and over until you die. I need you to stop

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apologizing for being amazing at things. Cause that's

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ridiculous. I would like you to show me

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what modesty has gotten you in your career. All right, here we

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go. I'm gonna pretend I'm pushing record. Cause that feels right. Okay, I'm pressing

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record. Boop. Hi, everybody.

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I'm Lauren Howard. Welcome to Different Not

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Broken, which is our PODC on exactly that. That

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there are a lot of people in this world walking around feeling broken. And the

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reality is you're just different. And that's fine. This holiday

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season, you want to get something for the

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overwhelmed person in your life. I'm going to

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describe what I want. I think it's pretty

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universal. I don't know that that's true. This could

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just be me being wildly egotistical, which is a thing that happens,

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and I will own that. But I'm going to describe what you could

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get me and make me the happiest person in the world for, like, five minutes

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before I found something new to complain about. So what I want,

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and this isn't actually even for the holidays, this is just

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a thing that I regular, fairly regularly want. If

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you are trying to do something nice for me. And just know that my husband

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does not listen to this, so it's not getting back to him. And I'm just

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saying if somebody wants to let him know, that'd be great. I

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want a nice hotel

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room with a giant bed

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with just shy of 10,000

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pillows on it. I'll know if you're short, but I'm not gonna count.

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I want to be able to fall on so many pillows

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that I don't even know where the bed is. Feather pillows are

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preferred, but I will not make that request for anybody else. Cause I know there's

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allergy issues there. I have a kid that's allergic to feather pillows. I get it.

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I want to fall on a feather pillow and have it catch me and then

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have it slowly deflate. That's like supreme happiness to me is when it goes.

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It just, like, slowly becomes flat.

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Love it. That's like, my thing. Okay, So I want that room.

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I just want the stark white bed stuff

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that all looks hyper clean with a pile of pillows so

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high that it dwarfs me, which is not that hard because

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I'm not tall. And I want there to be

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two rooms. Actually, this is. This part is negotiable. I don't actually care. Like a

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suite with, like, A couch area and a bed area. But I don't. That's actually

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totally negotiable. I want the TV remote to be

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readily accessible. I want to push the button

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when I'm ready. And the only voice I want to hear.

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There's two options for voices. One, Keith Morrison.

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Two, Benson and Stabler. Outside of those two, I don't

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want to hear any voices. I should hear no noise except for

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those people or the people who are addressing them now.

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You might replace those people with your own. That's totally fine. That part is completely

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negotiable. Whoever I want to go on vacation with only Keith

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Morrison. And he does not have to be there. I'm just saying

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I want silence. Other than

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that, I want there to

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be a steady stream of food that I like that I did not have to

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pick. Okay, L2 is in her bed.

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Ready? Start the conveyor belt of

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snacks. I just

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wanted to show up. I don't want to have to look at a

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menu. I don't want to have to make a choice. I

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don't have to think about anything. I want it to be a no decision

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zone. I walk in the room, I shut the door.

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There is going to be a steady stream of random bags of shit

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that I like that's just going to show up at some point and I'm going

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to open the door and I'll be like, woo, French fries. And I will make

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the decision to get the door when I freaking feel like it. Just leave it.

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You don't need to hand it to me if somebody steals it. That's the cost

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of doing business. I don't want to get up until I'm damn ready to get

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up. I want to be able to open the sliding door or the door, the

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window, the balcony, whatever of the room that I'm in and hear water. But I

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don't want to go to the water. I just want to be able to hear

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it, maybe smell it. But I don't want to go to

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the water. There's no. I have no tolerance for sand. We're not doing that.

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But I want it to be nearby and I want to know it's there.

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I maybe want to be able to like sit on a porch that is

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also very quiet or like a balcony where I can hear the

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water but not actually go to the water.

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I want nobody, including housekeeping, to

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darken the doorway of my room. I

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want to talk to no one. I want my phone

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to only be accessible for

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dog videos. Maybe to talk to my kids,

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probably to talk to My kids, I would miss them pretty quickly. Maybe to

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text with my husband, but I don't want anything else.

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And I want maybe like

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72 hours of mostly

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silence. Again, with the exception of Keith Morrison, who is

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allowed to talk whenever he wants.

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No decisions. I don't have to make any decisions, including food.

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The only decision I want to make is if I feel

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like getting up right now, if I'd rather just roll over,

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and if I need to go to the bathroom. Other than that,

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I want to turn off. I want to make absolutely zero

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decisions. If you give me an option, I'm going to stare at

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you blankly. I don't want to know that other people exist for three days, except

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for my kids, because I like them, but everybody else. I'll get back

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to you in three days. That's what I want. And to be

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very clear, this has almost nothing to do with the setting, though the setting makes

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it very nice. And I will be very happy with that setting. It has everything

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to do with not having to make a single goddamn decision,

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including food. Because nobody tells you this

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when you're young and all you can think about is how cool it's going to

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be to be an adult. Nobody tells you that being an adult

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is just figuring out what to eat over and over until you die.

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And then they give you kids, and they're like, by the way,

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figure it out for these ones, too. And

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also, they're not going to like a bunch of the stuff that you put in

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front of them. And also, if you give them things out of the bag, the

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rest of the world will make you feel bad for it. I am

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so tired of thinking about what to feed people. My husband

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will come into the office and be like, hey, what do you want for dinner?

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And I'll be like, I don't care. And he's gonna be like, but I need

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your help. And I'm like, if I have to choose, I don't want to eat.

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Cause that's how tired I am, making decisions. Not that I

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don't want to participate in our family, because I do. But I cannot

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make any more decisions. I've done all of it. There are no more decisions

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to be made until five minutes from now when a new decision pops up and

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I have to make that one. And I'll be very, very spicy about it. If

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you are unsure what to get someone

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who does all the things for all the people and works

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really, really hard, is probably overwhelmed, but is probably not

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telling you that, go for the gift of nothing.

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And that doesn't mean you get them nothing. It means you give them the

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chance to do nothing outside of exactly what they want to

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do. And if they're a person who picking fancy meals is,

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like, something they enjoy, then they probably don't need

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the just food showing up at the door thing. But I almost

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guarantee you, especially women, especially

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women who are expected to be the

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primary logistics officers for their families,

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which does not necessarily mean children, by the way. I was the

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primary logistics officer for my family long before I had children, and

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that does not necessarily apply to the person I married. I

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have three brothers. They're functionally useless, and I say that to their

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faces all the time. Give them the gift of nothing. I promise they will

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appreciate it. You might have to do a little bit of homework to figure out

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what their actual nothing is. This is my version of nothing. My

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version of nothing absolutely includes not talking to people, but most of

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my versions of everything include not talking to people. So that might be

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negotiable, but I bet it's less negotiable than you think it is.

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So I was talking to one of my team members today. She's relatively new to

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the team. I was talking about something that was unrelated to her job. It was

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just something that we were kind of shooting the breeze about. And

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I sent it to her, and she came up with this amazing

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solution for it. It wasn't even really a problem that needed to be solved. It

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was just something that I was talking about. And she was like, oh, well, the

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way that you fix that is. And I was, like,

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completely blown away by it. I was like, okay, I didn't even know that this

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was in your skill set. Amazing. It was an incredible

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answer. And then as soon as it came out of her mouth, she

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immediately apologized for overstepping, which, like,

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what? So I said, I need you to stop

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apologizing for being amazing at things, because that's

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ridiculous. But she was like, oh, I was just really worried that I. I

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was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. We don't do

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that. No. You are not only encouraged to be good at things, you are

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allowed to be good at things. And I need you to be good at things.

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I pay you for things to be good at things, and that does not mean

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that you should only be good at the thing I specifically pay you for. Maybe

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I need to be paying you for more things. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe I'm

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not paying you for enough things. It got my brain working. I

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want to start encouraging Dear

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Listener to be more Willing to brag about yourself

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because you do good things every day and you have been conditioned to believe that

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you should keep them quiet for seeming like you're impressed with

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yourself. Be impressed with yourself. You are

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impressive. We need to know about the amazing, kick

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ass things that you are doing and I want to know about them all the

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time. And it can be little stuff, it can be tiny stuff. I remember to

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take out the garbage because I'll be honest, in the amount of years

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I've been married, which is a lot of times, there are a handful of times

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that I have been responsible for the garbage and not fully outsourced that to my

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husband, who is very reliable when it comes to the garbage. In the times that

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I have been responsible for the garbage, I've maybe gotten it done twice

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and it might be more than twice, but I'm including getting it

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done, like remembering to do it and getting it in the can the

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night before like grownups are supposed to do. As opposed to what I

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do, which is hear the truck going down the street and go,

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oh shit and run outside with

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bags full of trash trying to get there before the.

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No. My husband, who is very good at this type

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of stuff, remembers to like sweep the whole house for garbage on a

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Wednesday night because our trash truck comes on Thursday morning. I can probably count

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on one hand the number of times he's completely forgotten to put the trash out,

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which is not catastrophic, but because the trash truck just comes the

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next time. But when you're me and you forget like four or five weeks

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in a row, that's kind of gross. That gets weird. That's why we have a

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husband who does these things and remembers these things. So it could be that or

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it could be I got a new job, or it could be I told my

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toxic boss to shove it up his ass. There

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are so many things it could be. But I want you to brag on yourself

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and I want you to do it for all of us to hear. So we

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are setting up a line that you can call into. You can find it

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at different not broken podcast.com brag.

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You can leave a message there that we might play on air to say what

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cool things you've been up to, what things you're proud of yourself. Leave your first

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name, your last initial, please don't leave any information

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that will get you in trouble or fired, which, let's put it this

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way, if I'm concerned about that, I'm going to redact it anyway, so you're probably

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safe. But do yourself a favor and don't send it if you can avoid it

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because we should be bragging on ourselves more and

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women and femmes will do really, really amazing stuff and then sweep it under a

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rug because we have this idea that nobody's going to like us if we're not

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modest. I would like you to show me what modesty has gotten you in your

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career. And I'm not saying to be a self impressed, braggadocious

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douchebag. I'm saying you are allowed to be completely proud of yourself for the

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things that you've done and we want to celebrate it. So the end of every

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episode we will remind you that you can send over your brags

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and we might play them on an episode, we might read them on an episode,

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and we might share them on an episode.

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And now we'll go to Alison, who has this week's

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small talk. All right, so this question is about family and

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holidays. What to do? I have several dogs

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and cats and every year I hear how having X number of

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pets is illegal in a lot of places and even though it's

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legal here and they are taken care of, you don't even have

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kids. Why choose pets over children? How do

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I answer that? Especially because it gets asked every year at least

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once or twice. I have many, many responses for

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this. The first one is

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fuck those.

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The second one is it's none of their goddamn business.

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The third one is you could just stare blankly

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when they ask that. Don't justify it with a

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response. Stare blankly and blink hard. I promise they will never

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ask it again. The subtext of that. Actually no, I don't

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even think that's subtext. I think it's just text. Is that

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somehow having pets or having animals

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is a less valid decision than having a family.

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Which is not flippin true. I have two children

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who I love more than anything and given my druthers I would have 10 more

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because I love having kids that much. And I say that as somebody who

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has a busted ass uterus that doesn't work correctly. So I can't

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have this 7,000 kids that I want. Even though I'll be honest, I'm not sure

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I would ever be pregnant again because being pregnant is the worst thing in the

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whole entire world. Even though you get a really cute kid out of it. Anyway,

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I say this with all of that

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very widely documented I have kids. I love them. I would never trade them for

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anything. They're the most important people in the world to me. I love every minute

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that I have with them, even the minutes That I don't. And also, you can

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love sleep and money as much as you can any smell human

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there is. It is a completely valid decision to decide that you don't

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want children. And that is not worth judgment

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or derision or to be treated as if you

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are making some decision that they have any business

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passing judgment on. It's not their goddamn business. We

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had trouble having kids. We struggled for four years before we got pregnant

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with our first. We were married for six years before we had our first kid.

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And it was devastating

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and awful. And people would ask us all the time

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when we were gonna have kids. And I started looking them square in the face

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and saying that we have dogs instead of kids. Because you can put dogs in

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boxes and leave the house. And people get really mad when you do that with

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kids. They would stop asking after that.

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Now that wasn't true. The reality was every

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time somebody asked me that question, it was like a knife to the friggin heart.

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Because we went through this horrible process of years and years of

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fertility treatments that took every ounce of my

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soul, crushed it up and spit it out. But you don't have to be

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going through something hard for it to be a question that people

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shouldn't freaking ask you. It's not their goddamn business.

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So we actually did an entire episode on not asking people

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why they don't have children. It was episode number 21. You can find it at

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differentnotbrokenpodcast.com 21 if you want to

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go back and listen to it. But we did a whole episode on

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leaving people in their fertility choices and not choices

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out of friendly conversation and how it should not be part of it. So

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go back and listen to that for more on this. If your pets are well

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taken care of, if they are, how you choose to spend your time

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and money. And again, I say this as a person with children, but also

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a person with lots and lots of pets. Technically we only have two, but

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they're very large. My pets are as well taken care of as my

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children are. They are as integrated into the family as my children

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are. Some would argue that Bruno's attempts to

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be inside my skin all the time means he gets more

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attention than my children do. And

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there's nothing wrong with not even. You're not

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even choosing pets over children. It sounds like you just have pets. That's

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not a mutually exclusive existence. So the

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reality is, whoever those people are,

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please tell them I told them to bite me. I wouldn't even

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answer the question or I would come up with some way to make them

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deeply uncomfortable for asking it. That's the way that I deal with conflict. That's

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actually not true. I deal with conflict very directly. But I would

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absolutely. I mean, I really like the blink hard option, but you aren't

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responsible for asking that question. And maybe it's time to find somebody else to hang

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out with if that's the question that you get asked every year. As if your

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personal choices have to change year over year for you to be a valid member

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of their family or their circle. Get bent. You're allowed

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to not have kids. You're encouraged to not have kids. The world outside is a

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toxic hellscape. You don't need to bring kids into this nonsense. Thanks for being

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here guys. Have a good day. Love you. Mean it.

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I love saying the word, but I think I like saying get bent more.

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It's really satisfying. It's really deeply

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satisfying.