Episode 6
Ask the stupid questions. Also, Freud's boring.
Why you have to ask the 'stupid' questions. Seriously.
And, Freud's boring. Not opinion. Actual science.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “But, L2, I’d rather set my hair on fire than look clueless in front of a room full of people (or, for that matter, one person I secretly—or not-so-secretly—want to impress).”
Hi! I’m Lauren Howard (but you can call me L2—everyone does), and this is Different, Not Broken—the podcast for anyone who’s ever wondered if they’re the only person who can’t quite read between the lines. Spoiler: you’re not alone, and you definitely aren’t broken.
Today, we’re taking on one of the stickiest, sweatiest, most universal social anxieties: the fear of looking 'dumb' by asking questions everyone else must already know the answer to. (You know, the questions you furiously Google at 1am because—let’s be honest—Google is not here for your nuanced, deeply personal, extremely context-specific conversational crisis.)
We’re talking about the actual reason it feels like everyone else in the room knows what’s expected. Except you.
And more importantly, why the people who seem the smartest might actually be as confused as you are.
Come for the reminders that communication isn’t one-size-fits-all; stay for the dead dad jokes, the unfiltered storytelling, and the small but mighty nuggets that might just make life make a little more sense.
Plus—Patreon insiders get access to our text line for real-time social script help. It’s a thing. It’s working. You’re invited.
Here's the link - https://differentnotbrokenpodcast.com/patreon
If you’ve ever second-guessed yourself out of asking for what you need, or just want to feel less alone in a world full of unsaid rules, press play on this episode.
P.S. Oh yeah... if you want to learn how trauma, grief, and novelty work in your brain—and how repetition is the magic ingredient for making even the worst things boring in the end—don’t skip the final ten minutes. For the Freud stuff.
Plus, you might catch a glimpse of the Dungeons & Dragons/DSM-5 crossover you never knew you needed. IYKYK.
Hit play. You have questions. So do we. Turns out, that’s actually the point.
Timestamped summary
03:13 Just Ask
08:47 Encourage Open Communication
09:48 Embrace Reactions, Clarify Boundaries
15:04 Wartime Child Evacuations in WWII
17:28 Brain Processes Trauma Repetitively
21:40 Dungeons and Dragons? WTF?
Want in on our mailing list so you can keep updated on all the cool stuff we're doing? (I can't promise I won't just email you about Marvel stuff) - https://differentnotbrokenpodcast.com/newsletter
Mentioned in this episode:
Join the Patreon
Different, not broken Patreon - https://differentnotbrokenpodcast.com/patreon
Sign Up For Our Newsletter
Stay updated on all the things! Get added to our newsletter mailing list.
Transcript
Let's talk about why you shouldn't be afraid to ask stupid questions.
Speaker A:All right, here we go.
Speaker A:I'm going to pretend I'm pushing record, because that feels right.
Speaker A:Okay, I'm pressing record.
Speaker A:Boop.
Speaker A:Hi, everybody.
Speaker A:I'm Lauren Howard.
Speaker A:I go by L2.
Speaker A:Yes, you can call me L2.
Speaker A:Everybody does.
Speaker A:It's a long story.
Speaker A:It's actually not that long a story, but we'll save it for another time.
Speaker A:Welcome to Different, Not Broken, which is our podcast on exactly that.
Speaker A:That there are a lot of people in this world walking around feeling broken, and the reality is you're just different.
Speaker A:And that's fin.
Speaker A:So quick rundown of the rules.
Speaker A:We talk about this every time.
Speaker A:If you want to know more about them, pop back to our first episode.
Speaker A:First, I'm gonna curse a lot if bad language is a problem.
Speaker A:Sorry.
Speaker A:Second, I'm gonna tell a lot of stories, even on things that don't sound like they have stories.
Speaker A:Third, I'm gonna tell a bunch of dead dad jokes.
Speaker A:It's just par for the course around here.
Speaker A:And fourth, anything that comes out of your face is appropriate here.
Speaker A:So.
Speaker A:So you do not have to worry about filtering any part of you to join us in this space.
Speaker A:So if you have been keeping track of all of the 3,700,045 things we have going on.
Speaker A:We recently actually launched a social interaction chat line through our patreon.
Speaker A:And it is literally just a text, a phone number that you can text where somebody from our team, one of our coaches, one of our team members can help walk you through a social situation.
Speaker A:And we've gotten some really super interesting questions, like people who have come through and asked, like, hey, somebody just texted me this and I don't know what it means.
Speaker A:Or I was at an event last week and somebody said they wanted to spend time together afterward, but I'm not sure if they were serious.
Speaker A:And how do I find out?
Speaker A:Or can you read this text message and tell me if it sounds mean?
Speaker A:Because I don't want them to misinterpret what I'm trying to say.
Speaker A:We got one of somebody asking us if we can help them script their conversation with their boss to ask for an accommodation.
Speaker A:It's been really cool and it's all, you know, it's very light hearted.
Speaker A:People are so sweet.
Speaker A:They're so excited to just be able to ask the questions that they usually, like, try to take to Google, but, like, Google's not going to answer you about this very specific situation to your life and your experience A lot of times, the answer or the.
Speaker A:Not the answer, but like, the suggestion is, you know, somebody will come in and say, somebody asked me to make sure that I keep in touch with them after I move.
Speaker A:And this is not a person that I thought would care if I moved.
Speaker A:What does this mean?
Speaker A:And we talked a little bit about the relationship and, you know, how they met and how they've gotten to know each other and what their, you know, what their level of interaction has been.
Speaker A:And all of that was pretty straightforward.
Speaker A:The question that came next is, did you ask them?
Speaker A:And they responded with, oof.
Speaker A:Which I expected, but it was like, oof.
Speaker A:Like, oh, you just.
Speaker A:You just want me to ask.
Speaker A:Like, you just.
Speaker A:You want me to ask them instead of you?
Speaker A:Like, I thought I'm supposed to come ask you.
Speaker A:You absolutely are.
Speaker A:You are welcome to come ask me at any time.
Speaker A:Please do.
Speaker A:But also, sometimes we spend a whole lot of time trying to do a lot of thinking for someone else to figure out what they meant.
Speaker A:When it's okay to just ask, it is usually totally okay to just ask.
Speaker A:And I don't even mean that in only interpersonal or social situations, like professionally as well.
Speaker A:I can't tell you the number of times where I haven't asked someone something and I don't do this anymore.
Speaker A:But it took me a long time where I've had a thought in my head of, I feel like this might be easier if we do this this way, or, why hasn't anybody done this?
Speaker A:Or have we done this at some point?
Speaker A:And I think, well, okay, I'm in a room of people who are way smarter than I am.
Speaker A:So if they didn't think of it, it's because it's already been done or because it's definitely a stupid question.
Speaker A:Definitely a stupid question.
Speaker A:So I'm not going to ask it because I don't want to seem stupid in front of this room of very smart people.
Speaker A:And that's.
Speaker A:I don't want to say that's a reasonable hesitation because I think we give that too much power.
Speaker A:But I think, like, it's a very normal hesitation to not want to say something that might make you look stupid.
Speaker A:Like, obviously.
Speaker A:But I will say that every time that I have had that, or maybe almost every time that I've had that instinct of, like, you know what?
Speaker A:I'm going to keep my mouth shut because the smarter people around me aren't asking that thing every single time.
Speaker A:It's because they didn't think of it, or there are other people in the room who also don't want to look stupid.
Speaker A:So they haven't asked either.
Speaker A:And in hindsight, the times where I have asked the quote unquote stupid questions, the ones that I thought were were going to be career ending and mortifying 99% of the time, they were absolutely something that needed to be addressed, something that was possibly being overlooked, something that other people wanted to know too, or something that for some reason was not being addressed and needed to be.
Speaker A:Years and years ago I was trying to sort out my parents taxes with them.
Speaker A:For them, I guess it was never a task that should have been left to them.
Speaker A:But anyway, it was a mess and we were very close to the filing deadline.
Speaker A:I was, I think I was like maybe 22 years old.
Speaker A:Like we're not talking about, like I had lots of life experience behind me.
Speaker A:Like I maybe filed my own taxes like once before.
Speaker A:If they had been done before, they had been done by like the family account or something.
Speaker A:And so it wasn't like I had tons of experience doing what we were doing, but I definitely knew that they could not be left to do it.
Speaker A:And so was working with somebody who was like literally in school to be a tax lawyer getting their advanced law degree in tax and so just assumed that if they're not saying the things, it's clearly because I don't understand something.
Speaker A:So we scramble endlessly for days and days and days trying to get all this information together.
Speaker A:The deadline's coming up.
Speaker A:It was the April deadline.
Speaker A:The accountant was telling me what to do.
Speaker A:I'm running around in 57 different directions getting all the information.
Speaker A:I'm mortified at how messy all of this is.
Speaker A:And then it's the day before we're supposed to file.
Speaker A:And I had thought the whole time, like, I feel like there's an extension for this reason, right?
Speaker A:Like I feel like there's.
Speaker A:I don't know much about taxes, but I do know you can file an extension and maybe there's a reason we're not filing an extension, I don't know.
Speaker A:But like I feel like we could file an extension but they're not saying it.
Speaker A:So I'm just going to let it go, not going to say anything.
Speaker A:So I just kept it to myself because these smarter people were not bringing up this thing.
Speaker A:Anyway, we get very close to the end.
Speaker A:I get a phone call from our almost tax lawyer and he says, I feel like we're being really stupid.
Speaker A:Why don't we just file an extension?
Speaker A:I had not said that for two weeks and had scrambled around conjuring data out of thin air.
Speaker A:That's not true.
Speaker A:Just finding it, it was hard.
Speaker A:Two weeks I could do basically nothing but try to solve this problem.
Speaker A:And had I just said, can't we just file an extension?
Speaker A:We could have bought ourselves some time and then I would have saved myself a whole lot of stress.
Speaker A:But I kept my mouth shut because I just assumed that the smarter people in the room had absolutely already reviewed this possibility and ruled it out for some reason.
Speaker A:The number of times that that has happened where I have made my own instincts seem like they can't possibly be correct because smarter people in the room would have thought of them.
Speaker A:And the reality is that they are exactly correct.
Speaker A:And if I had spoken up, the response is by and large positive and saves us either a whole lot of heartache or keeps us out of trouble.
Speaker A:So ask because odds are if you have the question, somebody else has the question.
Speaker A:Now is somebody else going to have the same question in a like a direct interpersonal situation?
Speaker A:Maybe not.
Speaker A:There's only two people involved.
Speaker A:If somebody else had the question, that would be weird.
Speaker A:But odds are if somebody says something open ended that is confusing to you, they also perceive the situation to be open ended in some way.
Speaker A:And so clarifying with them, hey, you said this thing about not wanting to see me go too far away and I just wanted to better understand what you meant.
Speaker A:Like, is there a reason that that would be concerning to you?
Speaker A:And giving them the opportunity to say like, yeah, you're my friend, I don't want you to go anywhere or yeah, I thought we were kind of building a relationship and the idea of you leaving is a little nerve wracking and I want to see where this goes.
Speaker A:And if you're not here, I'm worried that that can't happen.
Speaker A:Like giving them that opportunity because you asked a question does not mean you are going to be shot down or treated like you're ignorant or like, why don't you just understand this very obvious thing?
Speaker A:There are many things that are not very obvious.
Speaker A:Not being scared to ask the question will resolve a lot of social concerns that some people have.
Speaker A:You don't have to ask an intense question.
Speaker A:You can just say, hey, you said this thing, can you explain it to me?
Speaker A:And I'm not sure I'm understanding it the way you meant.
Speaker A:Can be totally non confrontational.
Speaker A:I mean it certainly should be non confrontational, especially if this is a friendly environment.
Speaker A:But I think the reason or one of the many reasons that we talk ourselves out of it is because we're so worried about the reaction that we get from this person who you want a certain reaction from, and what if it's not that reaction?
Speaker A:And I think we probably need to start thinking that you would get the reaction that you're supposed to have, regardless what reaction you wanted.
Speaker A:So if this is somebody that you like and you want to spend more time with, and you want that outreach to mean that they like me and want to spend more time with me, and it actually means like, hey, we're friends.
Speaker A:And I just thought it was nice to say that's the response that you're supposed to have.
Speaker A:One, because you know what the boundary is, you know what their thoughts are.
Speaker A:But two, because, I mean, it tells you where you stand, right?
Speaker A:And the other side of it, though, I think there's a fear, especially around people who have communication difficulties or difficulties with social cues, that they're going to say something and the person on the other side is going to perceive it in some way and take it negatively.
Speaker A:When they're just asking for clarification, unsure about what was said, et cetera.
Speaker A:They are going to think that there is something wrong with you based on the fact that you didn't understand this indirect thing that they said that tells you what you need to know about that person.
Speaker A:Somebody who would react negatively or treat you poorly because you ask for clarification that you need because your brain doesn't work the way that theirs does or doesn't perceive information the way that they're giving it to you.
Speaker A:That person is not somebody that you need to spend more time with.
Speaker A:Now, might that person be somebody you have to spend more time with for reasons.
Speaker A:If you work with them, if they're involved in certain activities that you're involved in?
Speaker A:Sure, that's possible.
Speaker A:But you now know that.
Speaker A:That that person probably doesn't belong in your inner circle.
Speaker A:That person doesn't get access to the parts of you that can be hurt.
Speaker A:They can be kept far away.
Speaker A:You can be cordial and pleasant to them, but they don't need to be close to you.
Speaker A:We have this fear of, like, what if this person says something mean or thinks I'm dumb or ignorant or thinks I'm stupid because I don't understand social things.
Speaker A:Anybody who's going to think that about you, because you have a difference in the way that you perceive information, that's not your friend, that's not a relationship you need to pursue, that person will continue to bring that energy to the relationship, and it's not getting better.
Speaker A:It's not getting better.
Speaker A:So letting people self select out, letting people make a choice that they are not enough for the relationship that you need.
Speaker A:You know, friendship, romantic, professional, whatever.
Speaker A:Letting people self select out is a gift for you.
Speaker A:We don't need 20 friends of which 19 might be jerks at some point.
Speaker A:You can do really, really well with one good friend or one good safe person rather than 20 of them who you can't trust with the parts of you that are most sensitive.
Speaker A:Let people self select out.
Speaker A:Ask the question.
Speaker A:Ask it in a way that you're comfortable with that just says, hey, I didn't understand this.
Speaker A:Can you explain better?
Speaker A:Would it suck if that person is a jerk as a result?
Speaker A:Sure.
Speaker A:But they're doing you a favor because you don't need that energy in your existence anyway.
Speaker A:They're telling you who they are.
Speaker A:Believe them.
Speaker A:Chalk it up to that being a them problem, not a you problem.
Speaker A:Because there's nothing wrong with having communication difficulties or communication differences and move on.
Speaker A:So for this week's Small talk again, remember, this is something we do every week.
Speaker A:There is this story that my dad always used to tell, especially to patients, as far as how grief and trauma work.
Speaker A:And we don't spend a lot of time talking about the mechanism of why grief operates the way that it does.
Speaker A:And grief and trauma tend to affect the brain similarly.
Speaker A:I say all of this as a regurgitation of a thing that my dad used to say that has been very, very helpful and demonstrative for me in figuring out how to get through, like, really tough situations.
Speaker A:As we've talked about a million times before, I'm going to talk about my dad.
Speaker A:I'm going to tell the stories that my dad used to tell.
Speaker A:It's most of my good information, so you're just going to have to deal with that.
Speaker A:But I don't say this as a clinician, because obviously I'm not.
Speaker A:But I do say it as somebody who has heard the story a million times and also has used it very heavily personally as a way to one, not only identify what my brain might actually be doing to me, but to show people through the hard stuff that feels like it's making us stuck, when in reality it's doing exactly the opposite.
Speaker A:Or in a lot of cases is doing exactly the opposite.
Speaker A:So Anna Freud was the daughter of Sigmund Freud, who Sigmund Freud is considered the father of modern psychotherapy.
Speaker A:There are lots and lots of theories and opinions about Freud and all sorts of notes, fun things to say about him and his small Cocaine habit.
Speaker A:But regardless how you feel about him, that's not the point.
Speaker A:His daughter was actually running an institute for children in the UK during World War II.
Speaker A:And so she was a clinician and researcher in her own right.
Speaker A:And During World War II, there were horrible blitzes and bombings on industrial London, because that's where all of the production for the war effort lived, for lack of a better term.
Speaker A:And so the children who lived in London with their parents, who were part of the war effort or part of the production, were moved out of London to the countryside, either to foster homes, sponsor homes, or with families who resided there while the parents stayed in the city, in the industrial center, so that they could produce for the war effort.
Speaker A:And so there was this pretty substantial incidence of family separation where children were taken to what was perceived to be a safe place, and the adults were left in the city center as part of the necessary industry.
Speaker A:At that time, children did not escape the entirety of this horrible experience.
Speaker A:It was a decision that had to be made for their safety.
Speaker A:And so they did experience some of this really, really dramatic stuff happening, where planes were dropping bombs on the city and trying to destroy industrial centers and things like that.
Speaker A:And so anyway, the kids were moved to what they perceived to be a safe location with family members, fosters, whatever.
Speaker A:And they really expected that by relocating children to an area where there was nothing bad happening, depending on your definition of bad.
Speaker A:But they weren't in the middle of a war center.
Speaker A:They weren't being bombed.
Speaker A:They were in the safe, quiet countryside with other children and other family members, that the kids would just go back to being kids, that they would just play games and enjoy each other's company and manage what was a stressful situation, but was a safe situation.
Speaker A:And instead, what the children did is take blocks and build up buildings and get toy planes and pretend that they were bombing the buildings that they built over and over and over.
Speaker A:And so many of them did this repetitively.
Speaker A:And I guess they started to take notice of why this was happening, because they really thought the kids would just play.
Speaker A:And instead they were deliberately reenacting something horrifically traumatic that they just got out of.
Speaker A:And what we have figured out, or what they have figured out, I should say, is that that's how the brain processes trauma, is that it takes things that we experienced, and it plays it over and over in your head until it's boring, until there's no additional angle that you can look at it from.
Speaker A:And so in the acute aftermath of trauma, you might say, why did I just go through this awful thing.
Speaker A:And now all I'm doing is thinking about it.
Speaker A:When all I want to do is think about anything else, all I want to do is stop thinking about it.
Speaker A:I remember when I separated from my job four years ago last week, I laid on the floor of my office and sobbed about what just happened.
Speaker A:Even though it was voluntary, even though it was something that I think I chose.
Speaker A:That's another story for another day.
Speaker A:Even though I was technically in control of what was happening, but that environment had been so awful and so traumatic that all I could do was sit on the floor and think about what had just happened and play it over and over in my head.
Speaker A:The brain dissects things.
Speaker A:It takes it apart.
Speaker A:It looks at it from every angle.
Speaker A:When you think you've come up with every possible outcome of it, it puts it all back together, tears it apart again, and finds a new piece.
Speaker A:And that's how you process through things that have affected you either trauma, grief, et cetera.
Speaker A:It's why a year later, you'll see, think about a situation that happened that you haven't even thought about in a long time and go, oh, man, I never thought about it from that angle.
Speaker A:Like, yeah, that's literally the point.
Speaker A:Your brain's still deconstructing.
Speaker A:It's still doing what it has to do to make this very, very novel thing boring so that it doesn't affect you day to day anymore.
Speaker A:And sometimes it pops up again, Sometimes it doesn't.
Speaker A:Sometimes it doesn't do a good enough job.
Speaker A:And that's when there's good treatment available.
Speaker A:That's when we have all sorts of interventions.
Speaker A:That's also sometimes when we see actual diagnoses that you have to go to a clinician for, because the work that the brain's supposed to be doing to make that trauma boring isn't doing enough right now.
Speaker A:But if you've ever sat around and wondered, why can't I stop thinking about this thing?
Speaker A:That's why.
Speaker A:It's not boring yet.
Speaker A:And if you've also wondered why, how come I listen to this song and my neurodivergent friends will recognize this?
Speaker A:How come when I listen to a song 47 times on repeat in a day afterward, I never want to listen to it again?
Speaker A:Sorry, friends, you made it boring.
Speaker A:Brain's not interested in it anymore.
Speaker A:It's not novel.
Speaker A:I think 47 times might be conservative.
Speaker A:Most of us get to, like, a thousand before we get there.
Speaker A:But I'm just saying that's why, like, when you love a song Intensely.
Speaker A:And then after you've heard it too much, you're like, God, I never want to hear this again.
Speaker A:It's boring.
Speaker A:You made it boring.
Speaker A:Sorry.
Speaker A:Your brain's not interested anymore.
Speaker A:We'll bring that up a lot.
Speaker A:We will talk about, let's say, the way that we play with planes when we are dealing with trauma.
Speaker A:Because we know that that's a fairly well demonstrated pattern and that you can't outrun it.
Speaker A:You can't just wake up one morning and be like, well done playing with planes.
Speaker A:We're not going to do this anymore.
Speaker A:It's not up to you.
Speaker A:It's not up to you.
Speaker A:It's not a linear process.
Speaker A:There are not well defined steps that happen in order.
Speaker A:All these things that tell you how grief and trauma processing works and what to expect next.
Speaker A:You can't predict any of it.
Speaker A:You know, some of us think that this should just be no big deal and we'll be over it in a week or two.
Speaker A:And then six months later, we're like, why can't I go in that store anymore?
Speaker A:Because I still think about it every time.
Speaker A:Stop worrying it.
Speaker A:Your brain hasn't figured that out.
Speaker A:And the difference is, if it's standing in the way of you living your life, then it might be time to go get help for it.
Speaker A:But if it's just the kind of daily processing that your brain's gonna do, and every day it gets a little bit more palatable and tolerable and you're figuring out how to navigate around it, then that might just be what your brain does.
Speaker A:But it's doing what it's supposed to do when it does it.
Speaker A:Thanks for being here, guys.
Speaker A:Have a good day.
Speaker A:Love you.
Speaker A:Mean it.
Speaker A:I also want to point out that I put.
Speaker A:I got a couple new books that are on my bookshelf now, and this one is.
Speaker A:So you want to be a games master so I can learn how to play Dungeons and Dragons.
Speaker A:And this One is the DSM5, and those are next to each other.
Speaker A:So I'm just saying, because I want to use.
Speaker A:I want to run groups.
Speaker A:I want us to run groups where we use Dungeons and Dragons to teach people social skills.
Speaker A:So I gotta learn to be a games master.
Speaker A:And because I'm a very old person, when I want to learn something, I buy a book.
